I am a nerd...

I admit it. I am a die-hard Lord of the Rings fan. The teaser trailer for the first installment of The Hobbit was released today. Therefore, this post is devoted to the wonderful world of J.R.R. Tolkien.

New Goal: Read the book before December 14, 2012!

Enjoy!

mourn

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."
-Matthew 5:4

Up until recently I have never seen this in light of mourning over sin.
Even if you've seen this verse in light of sin, do it again.
Mourn over sin, people.

Ezekiel 9 shook me up this morning.
God is just. You and I are wretched sinners.
In His great mercy, may He forgive us.

But know that you can take comfort, friend.
There is no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus. (Rom. 8:1)

...perhaps more on this later.

Today...choose to be thankful for your feet.
Thankful for your toes.
Thankful for the places you've been.
And the sights you have seen.
Thankful to God above.

when the stars have passed away

The stars shine over the ocean,
The stars shine over the sea,
The stars look up to the mighty God,
The stars look down on me.

The stars will live a million years,
Yes, a million years and a day,
But only God and I shall live and love,
When the stars have passed away.
-Janie Dotson

Restoring Joy

Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. -Psalm 51:12

It's that time of the semester.
That time when I am distracted from God and His voice.
That time when I am too tired to focus.
That time when my to-do list is a mile long, and my motivation is down to zero.
That time when I avoid praying or taking Him my junk because I don't have time for a melt down.
That time when I am tired, stressed, and questioning my decision for a higher education.

This week has not been a good one. I am not joyful right now. I am not excited for God's plans. In fact, right now I don't like His plan.

But, I am reminded that He is faithful. He has not left. He has not brought me this far just to make me do the rest alone. He's still there, waiting for me to fall at His feet. I think it's out of grace that He knocks us to our knees. He knows that's our position even though we like to forget.

So my prayer for the week is simply this... restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me. (-Psalm 51:12.)

All my joy and perseverance derives from one thing, God. He and He alone can sustain me. Oh God show us grace, that we might turn to You when we feel distraught.

joy to my soul

Unless the Lord had given me help,

I would soon have dwelt in
the silence of death.
When I said, "my foot is slipping,"
your love, O Lord, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought joy
to my soul.


-Psalm 94:17-19

a mission field

I thought I did what's right

I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is to put my trust in You
--"You know better than I" from Joseph and the King of Dreams

I've been listening to that song all day. I'm trying to get it through my head that God knows best.

I have questioned my major since I first came to Berry as a freshman. Shouldn't my future field make me excited? Shouldn't it make me happy? Aren't I supposed to enjoy it? Isn't it supposed to be what I want to do for the rest of my life? Sure, people tell me I'll make a good teacher. My professors all (at least act like they) have confidence in me. And I was recently invited to join the honors society for educators. Yet, I want to look these people in the eye and ask them if they have been taking crazy pills!? Please understand me, I have respect for you teachers out there, but I just don't want to be one of you.

I want to be missionary. I want the hard life of a servant to the poorest poor in the world. I want to love orphaned children. I want to reach the unreachable. I woke up thinking about all of this today. And I realized that there are a lot of "I wants" in my life. I remembered something I had not thought of in a long time, marine biology.

If you knew me in my past life before college, you know how passionate I was about the ocean. It was my love and my desire. I loved everything about it. I have never been someone to sway back and forth about what I like or don't like. I am an extremist, and when I love something I love it to the fullest extent of my being. I loved how marine biology made me feel so close to God. I saw Him in all of it, and it literally made me overflow with joy. I was one of those nerds on my high school trip to Dauphin Island that got excited about the seaweed...yeah, that was me.

But this morning I remembered sitting in my room alone on a hot night in early August before coming to Berry. I had all my marine biology text books out on my bed. And I cried over them. I cried because God was asking me to give my passion to Him. I wanted to only pretend to give it to Him, but He wanted the real thing. He wanted me to really lay it down. I cried because He did not promise to give it back. He did not promise me a future in the ocean. I remember crying out to Him "Why!? Why would you give me this passion if You're just going to take it away!?" He told me my life was not my own. It is His. And He knows what is best for it. So after more arguing and complaining, I gave in. I let it go.

Since that night He has ignited within me a passion for orphans. It is the same scenario as before, but instead of marine animals it is the world's children who are deemed unlovable. But I lost my focus. I was focused on the work instead of the Worker. I got lost in what my life could be if I left Berry, if I didn't become a teacher. If I went to a place like Russia or Uganda and was the hands of Jesus. I want bigger things than teaching in rural America. But how can God give me the bigger things if I refuse to trust Him with the small ones (like my major in college)? He is helping me see that I need to "bloom where I am planted" as a dear friend told me last night. I am where I am, so I might as well be content. He still knows what is best. He still knows what He is doing, even though I may not like it.

God showed me at work this week that those babies are my mission right now. Those kids at a privileged, private, child development center on a well-respected college campus need to be loved. They need hands to hold at nap time. They need a chaser to chase them. They need a swing-pusher. They need someone to take out their garbage after lunch and to wash their dishes. They need love, just like the kids on the other side of the globe. They are my mission field.

If you have read this far, I wonder if you are in the same place. If you feel your work is in vain? If you feel you are a failure because of where you are? Do not think God so small that He can't use you where you are. You are where He has you, and that is your mission field.

Like marine biology, I must lay down Africa at the feet of Jesus. I have to let it go. I have to live where I am. I don't want to live in the past or the future. I want to live for today. I may never go to Africa and I may someday take a teaching job, but that's okay. Because it is about God and His work, not me and what I want from life. After all, I have given Him my life; who am I to think I can choose its direction? It is His to steer. His to determine where it should go and who it should affect.

Praise Him, that we should be a tool in the hand of the Almighty One.


"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" -1 Corinthians 2:9

Godly Sorrow

"...For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done..."

-2 Corinthians 7:9-11

family

Today for many reasons I have felt thankful for my family. I am reminded that life is short. Too short to stay angry over silly things. Too short to not laugh and risk love. Too short not to die each day for my Savior. Too short to have regrets. Too short to not say "i love you." I am blessed with an incredible family. I see Jesus inside them and it puts me in awe.

My father is probably the most self-sacrificial person I know. He puts my family before himself nearly every day. He is not perfect, but he is loving. He is not mean or malicious. And I feel safe when he is home. He would take a bullet for me, or my brothers, or my mother any day. He loves my mother. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at her. And that, is the greatest gift he could ever give me.

My mommy is my very best friend. I can and do tell her everything (even the things I try to keep secret)! She calls me every morning to make sure I make it to class on time (even though that is usually at 5 am for her because of the time difference). She always texts me before I go to sleep. And her prayers are never ceasing. She is a hard-core pray-er. She constantly points me to the Lord. She is my biggest fan. I love laughing with her. I love how we talk until the wee hours of the morning when I am home. I love that she loves me.

Aaron is my big brother. If anyone today has a faith like Abraham it is him. His faith in God puts mine to shame. He is constantly questioning and looking for answers and he always goes back to God. He has endured a lot of slander and persecutions for his faith, but I praise God that He will bless him for it. His heart is for the lost and the outcasts, just like Jesus' heart.

Noah is my much-taller-but-still-younger-than-me-brother. Noah can play any instrument known to ma (he can also play some that are not known). His determination to do the right thing astounds me. I know God has big things in store for him; He must have with everything He is teaching him. Despite wound after wound, he keeps going back to church and to God. He is becoming a mighty man for the Lord like my father and older brother. I am so proud of him. He is letting the Lord shape him and mold him. He is remarkable.


Then there is Isaiah. The youngest of my clan. With every day that passes I love him more and more. He is very advanced in his math skills and is a real penny pincher. He is super competitive and loves to win at everything! But, when it comes to God he wants it all to go to Him. He truly has the heart of a giver unlike any other. He gives, not only of himself, but also from his piggy bank of his $35 life savings to those who need it. He is only 7, but already he is so self-sacrificing for those he loves and those he doesn't even know. His heart of compassion stirs me.

All three of my brothers make me laugh non-stop. They are absolutely hilarious when we are home together and I love it. I am truly blessed beyond all measure.

I praise God for each of you and thank Him for putting you in my life. I love you, sweet family.



This is Abby. She is also a huge part of my family. She is older now, but she has been through a lot with my family. I know it may seem silly to those of you without a dog, but she really is an important member of my family. She raised me, Aaron, and Noah. She is in the process of raising Isaiah. I adore her.

little lambs with the faces of lions

not for the faint of heart

"The Bible is not a book for the faint of heart--it is a book full of all the greed and glory and violence and tenderness and sex and betrayal that befits mankind. It is not the collection of pretty little anecdotes mouthed by pious little church mice--it does not so much nibble at our shoe leather as it cuts to the heart and splits the marrow from the bone. It does not give us answers fitted to our small-minded questions, but truth that goes beyond what we even know to ask." -Rich Mullins

an ocean of grace

I've been sitting here pondering how to put into words where my heart is today. I want to share it with you, but I'm afraid it might take me all day. So instead, I'm going to point you towards a song and lesson that capture God's grace.

This is the song. This is the lesson.

The song is short and a familiar radio tune for most folks, but it still chokes me up. Even after the 100th time. I think it's because of its message of forgiveness but also (if not more) it reminds me I'm not alone in my fear of being left the way I am. Oh glory to His name that nothing has tempted us except what is common to man (1 Cor. 10:13).

The lesson literally took my breath away. An ocean of grace is what Louie talks about in it. It is a bit longer, but stick it out because its worth it.

blessings friends.
em

Death & Beauty

I am a sucker for all things fall-ish. Pumpkins. Hot Cider. Cooler weather. Candles. Bright red apples. Sensual amber lotion from bath & body works. Golden sunflowers. Red, orange, yellow, and golden leaves. Thanksgiving. Sweaters. Hats. Scarves. I find myself constantly analyzing every inch of Berry’s trees to see the beginnings of the bright colors that are yet to come.

God seems to have me on this theme verse right now: “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it.” –Jesus (Luke 9:23).

I forgot to mention when I was basking in my love for all things fall, that deep down inside me there is a part of me that hates it. That’s right, hate. Before you go all crazy on me, let me explain myself. Fall reminds me of old pain. It reminds me of the scars on my soul. I don’t pretend to know why. There is just something in the air this time of year that always causes me to reflect more deeply for good or ill. And last night at church it got me thinking…how can I love and hate something at the same time? I joke about my love/hate relationship with school, exercise, junk food, health food, etc. But seriously, how can you love and hate something? Jesus says that if we want to live we have to die. I want to live, and I love the life He offers. But there is no denying that I hate dying; dying to self, to flesh, to my own will.

Then, I looked at the trees again. I thought about the process that they are going through at this time of year. They are not at their high of life when they change colors, they are dying. They are shedding their beautiful lush green foliage to be naked and bare for the cold winter months down the road. It is in their death that they become astounding. It is in their death that they stop you in your tracks and cause you to gaze at their beauty. It is in their death that they become truly marvelous.

And, I think that is a lot like us. It is when we die that we begin to truly reflect the beauty and majesty of our Creator. It’s when we lay our lives down daily that God uses us to cause people to stop in their tracks.

I don’t know about you, but to me, dying daily does not sound like any picnic (well, unless there is ants, and mosquitoes, and its 100 degrees and humid, then maybe it’s like a picnic. But you see my point). Dying daily is not fun. It is hard. And there are times when I hate it, but I also hate that I hate it. A guy named St. Augustine once said “A Christian has two loves in their heart, the love for what is good and the love for what is evil. The Christian hates that he loves what is evil.” I think that Augustine guy had a good point. We are always going to be at war. Not just against the Enemy, but also against ourselves. There is a constant battle going on inside of us, the flesh and the Spirit. Romans 7:21-23 says, “So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”

So you see it is truly a love/hate relationship we have with ourselves if we are in Christ. Our flesh hates being put to death, but we cannot afford to not do it. For in the death of the flesh, the beauty of God shines brightly, just like that crisp orange leaf outside your window.

the last half...

I will officially begin my junior year of college this Monday. It seems so surreal to think that two years ago I was first moving to Berry. I remember the pride that I felt at my high school graduation, thinking that I was a real adult now. That I was my own person. I think God must have chuckled at that because little did I realize then how much He had in store for me. I thought I knew Him. I thought I had a handle on who He was, but oh man did He open my eyes. The things He has taught me since I first stepped onto Berry's beautiful campus would surpass the limitations of this blog site. I have realized that I am only scratching the surface of realizing that He is much bigger than I know or can imagine. Each season of life He adjusts my lens of seeing who He is, and He is getting bigger and bigger each time.

Thinking about being a junior has also caused me to reflect on my high school years. In the first two years of high school I was very sick. That was when I first began spending time really talking to God about real things. The second two years, Mom was sick. In my head at the time, my own sickness was extremely difficult to cope with, but it wasn't until Mom got sick that I really understood the meaning of the word difficult. God used the first half of high school to prepare me for the second half. Which causes me to wonder what all He has in store for the next two years of college. Right now, these past two years feel like some of my hardest yet, but God has taught me about Himself through it all. He has taken me through things I never thought possible. I don't know what He has in store for the last half of this chapter in my life, but I know it will be extraordinary because He is extraordinary. This is my junior year of college. Let's do this.

So faithful, so constant and so true
So powerful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient, so gracious, so merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do
You fill me, You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

Lord, I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me

Lord, I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are
To remind me

I know that You are for me, I know that You are for me
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come now even if to write upon my heart
To remind me who You are

"You Are For Me" by: Kari Jobe

1,000 things

Can you think of 1,000 things you are thankful for? Try it. I dare you. This is the start of my list...
They are in no particular order (except the first 3, they are my tops).

God (Father, Jesus, Spirit). Mom & Dad. My brothers- Aaron, Noah, Isaiah. Friends. Church. Jesus’ sacrifice. Children. Sunshine. Rainstorms. Love. Joy. Peace. Paint. Dolphins. Reading. Writing. sunsets. Laughter. Grandparents. my bible. Cousins. Wildflowers. Fruit. Being sealed in the Holy Spirit. language. Justice. Smiles. Tea. Oceans. Abby. light. clouds. music. encouragement. mail. Kobby. glasses. singing. running. forgiveness. mountains. hiking. education. clean water. doctors. cameras. hope. Accents. Aunts and Uncles. people. freedom. rights. lungs. birds. trees. journals. pens. literature. dentists. films. tissues. compassion. listening. advice. companionship. fulfillment. memories. sunrises. seasons. heaven. frozen yogurt.


Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders you have done. The things you planned for us no one can recount to you; were I to speak and tell of them, they would be too many to
declare. -Psalm 40:5

a new little brother in Ghana

God really is sovereign. The way He works amazes me.

My youngest brother has been talking about wanting my parents to have another baby. Now, my parents aren't that old (yet), but with two kids in college, one in high school, and another about to be 7 I can't help but think that the next baby they want is a grandchild. No new baby for Mommy's tummy. So, the little peanut decided that if Mom and Dad won't give him a new baby, then God will! He has been praying and wholeheartedly believing that God would send him a new little brother or sister. My parents (and the rest of my family), have been avoiding breaking the news to him. That is, even though he is praying, even though he is believing God, he just is not going to get a new little guy to build legos with, make forts in the den, or hit with a starwars lightsaber. It just isn't going to happen for Mom and Dad.

My baby brother prays like no other child I know. His prayers are deep, honest, and raw all at the same time. He really believes God hears him when he talks, and I love it. To be honest, I was a little worried when he told me he was praying for a new baby. WHAT!? How could God do that? How was God going to pull this one off? What if he loses faith when no baby comes? What if he decides God isn't real because he didn't get a baby? oh no! God, you gotta come through on this! I don't know what to tell him! I acted like his prayers were no big deal, but secretly I wondered.

Last Thursday morning God woke me up and told me there was a child on Compassion International's website that needed Him and I was to be His tool. If I'm being honest, this scared me really bad. WHAT? Oh God, how will I know which one?! In high school I had heard of Compassion and their mission. I had the attitude that most people have about organizations that help people in poverty: that is great but it's not for me. When I got to Berry it seemed like I couldn't escape them. It felt like everyone was sponsoring some poor child except me. And to be blunt, at times it put a sour taste in my mouth because of the heaping guilt I felt. At the same time, there were many days that I wanted to but felt I couldn't. There have been times that I would flip through the thousands of pictures of precious babies that needed help and weep because I felt trapped. I wanted to help them, but I didn't want to become a holier than thou person. So when God told me it was time, I was basically freaking out.

My first problem was how in the world do I pick one out of thousands. I flipped through some pages and different stuff on their website. This same little boy came up over and over again...I decided he was the one, but still felt unsure. In the past, when I have come close to sponsoring I would pray about it then I would forget. So, I prayed that if it was really God's will He would not let me forget. I went away from the computer for several hours and I could not stop thinking about this little boy. So, I did it. I signed up to be his sponsor.

Afterwords, my brother came in being his happy little self and it hit me...this was God answering his prayers. WHOA! I was convicted for my unbelief. Who could have imagined that God would answer my brother's prayers through a child living in poverty in Ghana, Africa? Only God Almighty Himself could pull something like that off.

It also made me realize that His answers are not always what we expect. They will probably never play legos, build forts out of couch cushions, or fight with lightsabers. But, they can be brothers. He can pray for his little brother, color him pictures, and love him from the other side of the world. God hears all of your prayers. He knows the desires of your heart. And He can do the impossible. All He asks, is that you believe. Isaiah believed God, and God has blessed him for it.

I haven't told Isaiah about his new little brother yet. His birthday is in a few weeks and I plan to tell him then.

His name is Emmanuel Kobbah (or Kobby as CI calls him), he is 5 years old today, and I am madly in love with him.

thankful.

Today, I am thankful for...

the people in my life...

the air in my lungs...

the food in my tummy...

and the courage to face tomorrow.
Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; His greatness no one can fathom.
Psalm 145:3

Surrender

The time has come for us to quit playing chess with God over our lives. We cannot win, but we can delay the victory, dragging on the pain of grasping and the poison of possessing. You see, there are two kinds of losses in life. The first is shared by all mankind-the losses that come to us. Call them what you will- accidents, fate, acts of God. The point is that we have no control over them. We do not determine when, where, what, or even how. There is no predicting these losses; they happen to us. We choose only how we respond. The second kind is known only to the pilgrim. They are losses that we choose. A chosen loss is different from repentance, when we give up something that was never ours to have. With a chosen loss, we place on the altar something very dear to us, something innocent, whose only danger is in its goodness, that we might come to love it too much. It is the act of consecration, where little by little or all at once, we give over our lives to the only One who can truly keep them.

Spiritual surrender is not resignation. It is not choosing to care no longer. Nor is it Eastern mysticism, an attempt to get beyond the suffering of this life by going completely numb. As my dear friend Jan describes, "It is surrender with desire, or in desire." Desire is still present, felt, welcomed even. But the will to secure is made subject to the divine will in an act of abandoned trust. Think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.

-Desire, 192-93

You should really go HERE
and watch "Here I Am!"
by Louie Giglio.
It is quite spectacular.

A Holy Protector.

Can I ask you something? Something deep and personal? Something you might not like???? When someone says "the Holy Spirit," what image comes to mind? Think about it for a minute. What kind of picture do you have of what the Holy Spirit is or what He looks like? I was born and raised in a church where the only time you heard His name was when someone got baptized on Sunday morning or we said His name in an old hymn. (Please take note: this post is not about pointing fingers at any church. All churches have their problems and God knows that and will deal with it. That is not my job).

What do you think it means for Him to live inside you after your "re-birth?" I knew when I got baptized that God had made His home in my heart (I think mostly because that is what I was told...and...there was a song). The problem with that was that I pictured a little red, warm, fuzzy place where Jesus and the Holy Spirit chilled on the couch watching my life via television and I had some sort of camera in my eyes so they had like Direct-Emily-Vision (they were inside me, remember?). Hopefully it can go without saying that this is a false image of what it really means to have God living inside you.

Today, I got to spend some time in the Word and truth hit me so hard I nearly burst into tears. I'm not saying that I have kept that image all these years, but as that faded I did not really have any opinion on the matter at all. I had no image! I went from picturing them in a hot fluffy room to being some sort of glowing mist that just followed me around everywhere (which is just as bad, if not worse). My study today was about war. This war we are in against Satan, the rulers, the authorities, the power of darkness, the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms (Eph. 6:12). Ephesians goes on to talk about how God's armor is the way in which we are able to stand firm. It is how we fight. (Side note: if you have not read about the armor of God in Ephesians 6, I highly recommend it! Some crazy awesome stuff.) This however, is what struck a cord most deeply: "take the...sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God" (verse 17). Then, I was taken to some verses I did not expect:

"I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a white horse whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges and makes war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and on his head are many crowns. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. He is dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. The armies of heaven were following him, riding on white horses and dressed in fine linen, white and clean. Out of his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations..." -Revelation 19:11-15

I have often heard that this "rider" is Jesus, and it very well could be. To be perfectly honest I really don't know. But, (and keep in mind I could very well be wrong about this) a part of me can't help wonder if this "rider" is the Holy Spirit. That thought has never crossed my mind until today. But today when I read it, oh man, it spoke volumes. The debate that I could see arising on if this character is Jesus or the Holy Spirit (or both??) is really beside the point. No, no, my point is this: whoever this person is He is God. "On His [still talking about the same rider] robe and on his thigh he has this name written: KING OF KINGS AND LORD OF LORDS" -Rev. 19:16. Not only is He God (as if that were not enough) He is a warrior God. That was what drew tears today. This Mighty Man lives with me. This Mighty Man lives with you too if you acknowledge Him as Lord.

God, the Holy Spirit, is not some little person that lives inside your muscles or your brain. He is not some vague mist that follows you around. HE IS GOD. He is a mighty, fierce (yes, I did just describe God as fierce) warrior that is your Defender. He is your Protector. I'll be honest with you, I doubt God as my protector more than anything else the Bible says He is. But, dear friends it is true. It is really true.

It's no wonder Paul says if God is for us, who can be against us?
-Romans 8:31

He who is in you, is greater than he who is the world.
-1 John 4:4

Overwhelming

When you feel overwhelmed...

Demands knock on my door.

Burdens beckon me to answer.

The to-do list stretches for miles.

I whisper, "I feel overwhelmed."

And in the stillness it seems I hear...

"Child, open your heart to Me instead of the demands of the day.

Lay those burdens at My feet, not on your shoulders.

Let go of your list and dare to embrace My grace.

I do not require you to be overwhelmed.

I enable you to overcome.

And with Me, you always will."

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. John 16:33

Taken from here.

Venturing Forth

It's better to stay in the safety of the camp than venture forth on a wing and a prayer. Who knows what dangers lie ahead? This was the counsel of the ten faithless spies sent in to have a look at the Promised Land when the Jews came out of Egypt. Only two of the twelve, Joshua and Caleb, saw things differently. Their hearts were captured by a vision of what might be and they urged the people to press on. But their voices were drowned by the fears of the other ten spies and Israel wandered for another forty years. Without the anticipation of better things ahead, we will have no heart for the journey.

One of the most poisonous of all Satan's whispers is simply, "Things will never change." That lie kills expectation, trapping our heart forever in the present. To keep desire alive and flourishing, we must renew our vision for what lies ahead. Things will not always be like this. Jesus has promised to "make all things new." Eye has not seen, ear has not heard all that God has in store for his lovers, which does not mean "we have no clue so don't even try to imagine," but rather, you cannot outdream God. Desire is kept alive by imagination, the antidote to resignation. We will need imagination, which is to say, we will need hope.

Julia Gatta describes impatience, discouragement, and despair as the "noonday demons" most apt to beset the seasoned traveler. As the road grows long we grow weary; impatience and discouragement tempt us to forsake the way for some easier path. These shortcuts never work, and the guilt we feel for having chosen them only compounds our feelings of despair.

-The Sacred Romance, 156-157

One of those days...

Today, or perhaps I should say this month, has been one of those days. One of those days where my fear creeps in and tells me His grace has run dry, it tells me His blood has run out for me. For the last while my life seems to be a pattern, sin, repent, sin, repent, sin, repent, etc, etc, etc. Now, I know that this is the pattern of every Christian's life, but lately mine has been intentional sin, intentional hurt, and in my head at least that makes a difference. I am broken right now. My faith is weak. My prayer has been that God won't leave me the way I am, that He won't leave me in my sinful, brokenness. The lie has been whispered into my ear that He has given up on me. But that is not true. His overwhelming faithfulness knocks you to your face when you are unfaithful, because He still loves you in your unfaithfulness. The other night, I felt so hopeless. So, I cried. I cried out to Him and begged Him to save me, to rescue me, to let me know that somehow, someway everything would be okay. I opened my Bible to Micah unintentionally and this is what it said:

"You will again have compassion on us; You will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea." -Micah 7:19.

Then, I flipped over some and my eyes rested on the following:

"...though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be white as snow; though they are red as crimson, they shall be like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you will eat the best from the land; but if you resist and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword,' the mouth of the Lord has spoken." -Isaiah 1:18-20

And since everything we are tempted by is common to man, I wanted to remind you, your forgiven. You're not alone. He has forgiven you. His mercies are new every morning. And He eagerly longs for you to call out to Him. He loves you.

Some favorites...

Tenth Avenue North---These guys are seriously cool. They love the Lord, and their message is Jesus. It does not get better than that.


Winterfest---In high school I had the privilege of attending a conference each winter in Gatlinburg, TN. This was my first experience worshiping God in a room with thousands of people. My best memories of youth group happened there. I learned so much about God. The speakers and worship leaders seriously blew my mind. This was a skit that they did. I still like to go back and watch it.


Barats and Beretta---Recently I was reintroduced to these guys. My best friends from high school and I spent hours laughing at these guys. Now, you can too.

love, God

I strongly feel the need to share this with you, whoever you are. This was something I wrote in my journal a while back...let Him minister to your spirit with it. I pray it blesses you.

Don't you know that I love you? Don't you know that I call you My own? You are My precious one. You are My treasure. I love you. But it's not because of you, it's because of Me and My goodness...oh child, do not worry about tomorrow for each day has enough trouble of its own. Have I not brought you this far? Can't you trust Me to take you the rest of the way? Peace! Peace I leave with you. Do not allow you heart to be troubled. Do not be afraid. Trust that you are in the palm of My hand. Satan can only torment you as much as I allow him. And when he does, remember that it makes Me hurt even more than you. To get to you, he has to go through the holes in My hands where the nails once were. Sin is why he roams. But, I am stronger than him. I am the one who is able to save. You are My daughter. When you hurt, I hurt even more. Weep to Me. Tell Me all about your troubles, for I long to be gracious to you. You are strong as long as you are in Christ. Remain in Me, so I can remain in you. You are well loved. Do not feel guilty for my blessings child! They are for you out of My grace! I long to be gracious to you, sweet one. Rest in Me. Climb into My lap each night before going to sleep. Rest and trust in Me. I know what you cannot know. I see what you cannot see. I hear what you cannot hear. I am with you. Trust in Me. I love you, even through your struggles. My love is not because of what you can do, it is because of Me.

obsessed

Oh, to be obsessed with Him and Him alone.
Transform our hearts oh God.
Turn us towards You.

the man with beautiful eyes

I dreamed I was in line to die. There were thousands of us. Standing, moving one step at a time, slowly, to certain death. It was like a gallows, you know like the ones in pirate movies, but very much worse. I was cold, alone, and hungry. It was very dark and kinda had that rainy, hazy feel. As I got close enough to where I could see Death himself, I became afraid. The type of fear that paralyzes you and where time moves into a painful slow motion. I was going to die, but I was ready, the waiting seemed worse than any death could be. That is, I was ready until I realized, realized what was really going on. The people were not dying, they were being whipped with chains full of broken glass, tortured. Then going into fire. A fire that could not be quenched. A fire that would never end. This was a fate worse than death. I no longer felt my false bravery towards death. At last, my time came. Utter despair filled every fiber of my being. But then, this man with brown skin, strong muscular arms, and the deepest most purest eyes imaginable stepped up to Death in front of me. They talked for a bit. I couldn't really tell what they were saying, and to be honest I didn't really care; I was about to die and that was all I could think about. They finished their conversation after what seemed like hours, and my heart skipped three beats. This was going to hurt. I really hate using the word "hurt" there, because it really was going to be much worse than "hurt," in reality it was going to be more treacherous than any words could ever express. I stepped into place, and braced my back for the deep sting I would soon feel. But then, instead of a deep lash, I felt warm, tender arms that wrapped themselves around me. When I heard the first crack of the whip I thought I had dreamed it, because I did not feel anything. So, I braced myself again. By the way, the arms were still there, but I didn't really know why. The second lash came down hard and fast, but here again I didn't feel it. The beatings lasted for longer than I know, but the thing that shocked me most was what happened afterwords. I came away from the stockade without a single bump. I saw the deep-eyed man I had seen before. He was bleeding and gasping for air. He led the way to the eternal fire. I followed him, still confused as to why I didn't feel the pain. When we got there, he went inside without a word. There was sort of dull lull at this point, and I don't really know where I was, but I know I wasn't in the fire. Someone had volunteered to go in my place. Then, at last it hit me. The man with the beautiful eyes! He had his arms around me during the beatings. He went into the fire, so I didn't have to. He put himself between the punishment and the criminal.

Almost immediately a deep sense of guilt overcame me. How could I let this stranger take my punishments? What could I do to repay him? I contemplated how to thank him for a few days, three to be exact. Then, there he was! He was no longer in the fire! He had scars in his hands and feet. He had stripes on his back from the lashings. But He was there! He was alive! He was back!

I jumped up and gave him a hug. Said my usual thank you's and introduced myself. He laughed a loud, beautiful laugh when I did this. I was confused so he told me he knew who I was. He knew better than anyone. He told me that he sewed me together when I was in my mother's womb. He painted my eyes and my hair. He picked out the tone of my voice. And he spent the time designing my fingerprints.

Then he told me about his father. Who loves him very very much. But he also told me about how his father loves me too. That was why his father had sent him. He knew the death from my sin would separate us, and that was a thought he refused to bear. I began to again feel a sense of debt to this strange man who knew so much about me. So I asked him what I should do to repay him. He looked at me squarely; cupped my face in his beautiful, scared hands and said "You can't. There is nothing good or bad that you can do to repay this. It is a gift. It is because I love you and my father loves you. I desire for you to love me back. To love me more than any other. Love me with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself. Not to earn my love, because that is impossible, but out of love for me do these things."

That's it? Really? You just want my love in return? My devotion?

I "love" a lot of things. Today He was not one of them. Oh Lord have mercy on us when we do not love you the way we should.

Happy Easter, friends.
















He loves you. Those lashes are what you deserve. But, He loves you so much that He took them for you.

But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed. -Isaiah 53:5

Heavy

heavy
my soul is heavy
my heart is tired
my body aching
my spirit downcast

when will relief come?
when will i escape the past?
like a ghost it haunts me
always it is my shadow
even when dark clouds surround me
even in the sunlight
it is still there
questioning
staring
watching

i cry out to You o God
for You alone can save
You alone can understand

i call and call
but You feel so far away
"believe" You tell me
"trust" is Your gentel whisper

"but my faith is shattered" i reply
"my love bound"
"my soul crushed"
broken
like a glass

i cannot do this any longer
how can i keep loving?
how can i keep running?
my feet are weary
from much toil

give me the faith of abraham
give me the courage of esther
give me the favor of joseph
give me the love of Jesus

save me o God
for You are the only shelter
the only refuge
the only strength

have mercy, o God
hold us
keep us
heal us
love us

holy is Your name
holy is Your name
holy is Your name

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate...
and the Master so gently said,
"Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?"
my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers,
I need to know why!"
Is you hand shortened?
Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and
I'm claiming your Word.
My future and all to which I relate
hangs in the balance,
and you tell me to wait?"
I'm needing a 'yes,'
a go-ahead sign.
Or even a 'no,'
to which I'll resign.
You promised, dear Lord,
that if we believe,
we need but to ask,
and we shall receive.
Lord, I've been asking,
and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking!
I
need
a
reply!
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,
as my Master replied again, "wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
and grumbled to God,
"So, I'm waiting...
for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes
met with mine...and He tenderly said
"I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and
darken the sun. I could raise the dead
and cause mountains to run.
I could give all you seek
and
pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want,
but
you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know
the depth of My love
for each saint.
You'd not know
the power I give
to the faint.
You'd not learn to see
through clouds of despair;
you'd not learn to trust
just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy
of resting in Me
when darkness and silence
are all you can see.
You'd never experience
the fullness of love
when the peace of My spirit
descents like a dove.
You would know that I give,
and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth
of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort
late into the night,
the faith that I give
when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond
getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who
makes what you have last.
You'd never know should
your pain quickly flee,
what it means that My grace
is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams
overnight would come true,
but, oh, the loss, if you missed
what I'm doing in you.
So, be silent, my child,
and in time you will see
that the greatest of gifts
is to truly know Me.
And though oft My answers
seem terribly late,
My most precious of answer
of all is still...
"Wait."

By: Russell Kelfer

And they, will not be weary

It is with a full heart and tear filled eyes that I write you tonight. The Lord's goodness is overwhelming to my soul. His glory is so great. I wonder if I can bear it. My flesh wonders "could You really be this good? Could you really love me this way? this much? this deeply? this beautifully?" The sweet answer to those questions is a joyous yes, yes He can. Tonight, I had the joy of seeing Isaiah 40:31 played out right before me. Like a beautiful orchestra in a rainstorm.

But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." - Isaiah 40:31

I've told you before that waiting for God is hard for me. I want Him to move in my time, not His. Last night I dreamed about Africa, so it has especially been in the forefront of my mind today. My heart is broken for the people in Japan. And things are happening everyday to people who do not know my Lord! and it really kills me on the inside. But, whenever I go down this trail with God (of me being unhappy where I am and wanting to move) He never fails to come through. I know in the deepest part of my body that Berry is where God wants me, but man it is easy to forget that. It is easy to become discouraged. Especially when you start comparing yourself with those around you. I found out today that three more of my friends will be doing missionary work during the summer and fall. I really am ecstatic for them and the things that they are going to get to do. But my flesh is jealous. I could very easily get angry at God for not working out the things I want to see happen (and trust me, I certainly have in the past). But today, He gave me the grace I needed to just come pour my heart out to Him. To tell Him again how burdened my heart feels for Africa, for children, for people.

Tonight, His word came. And I want to share it with you.

"It makes God's heart happy like nothing else to see His child be willing to wait for Him. He is not holding out on you. He has not forgotten you."

This word came to me through a dear friend at the most unexpected moment you could imagine. Let it encourage you if you are also waiting on the Lord. If you don't feel encouraged, ask Him to encourage your heart. Then expect Him to act.

Waiting is such a hard thing. But oh it is so necessary. I'm in my own mission field right now. It just doesn't look the way I expect it to. He is preparing me. He is molding me. He is shaping me. He loves me. How could I ask for anything more?

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" -1 Corinthians 2:9

Faith

<sup>God has been revealing to me just how small my faith in Him really is. I don't trust Him the way I should. But, instead of writing about that. I've decided to share some scripture with you that talks about faith. Let it convict your heart. Try reading it with new eyes. Ask God to give you a fresh perspective. God is the one who gives us faith. (Yep, He gets the credit for that one too). Don't let this make you feel condemned. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Let it wow your heart. Then, join me in praying, Lord, increase our faith!


1</sup> Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see. ² This is what the ancients were commended for.

³ By faith we understand that the universe was formed at God’s command, so that what is seen was not made out of what was visible.

⁴ By faith Abel brought God a better offering than Cain did. By faith he was commended as righteous, when God spoke well of his offerings. And by faith Abel still speaks, even though he is dead.

⁵ By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death: “He could not be found, because God had taken him away.” For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God. ⁶ And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.

⁷ By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family. By his faith he condemned the world and became heir of the righteousness that is in keeping with faith.

⁸ By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going. ⁹ By faith he made his home in the promised land like a stranger in a foreign country; he lived in tents, as did Isaac and Jacob, who were heirs with him of the same promise. ¹⁰ For he was looking forward to the city with foundations, whose architect and builder is God. ¹¹ And by faith even Sarah, who was past childbearing age, was enabled to bear children because she^b]"> considered him faithful who had made the promise. ¹² And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore.

¹³ All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance, admitting that they were foreigners and strangers on earth. ¹⁴ People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. ¹⁵ If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. ¹⁶ Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.

¹⁷ By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice. He who had embraced the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, ¹⁸ even though God had said to him, “It is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned.”^c]"> ¹⁹ Abraham reasoned that God could even raise the dead, and so in a manner of speaking he did receive Isaac back from death.

²⁰ By faith Isaac blessed Jacob and Esau in regard to their future.

²¹ By faith Jacob, when he was dying, blessed each of Joseph’s sons, and worshiped as he leaned on the top of his staff.

²² By faith Joseph, when his end was near, spoke about the exodus of the Israelites from Egypt and gave instructions concerning the burial of his bones.

²³ By faith Moses’ parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king’s edict.

²⁴ By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be known as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. ²⁵ He chose to be mistreated along with the people of God rather than to enjoy the fleeting pleasures of sin. ²⁶ He regarded disgrace for the sake of Christ as of greater value than the treasures of Egypt, because he was looking ahead to his reward. ²⁷ By faith he left Egypt, not fearing the king’s anger; he persevered because he saw him who is invisible. ²⁸ By faith he kept the Passover and the application of blood, so that the destroyer of the firstborn would not touch the firstborn of Israel.

²⁹ By faith the people passed through the Red Sea as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned.

³⁰ By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the army had marched around them for seven days.

³¹ By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.^d]">

³² And what more shall I say? I do not have time to tell about Gideon, Barak, Samson and Jephthah, about David and Samuel and the prophets, ³³ who through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised; who shut the mouths of lions, ³⁴ quenched the fury of the flames, and escaped the edge of the sword; whose weakness was turned to strength; and who became powerful in battle and routed foreign armies. ³⁵ Women received back their dead, raised to life again. There were others who were tortured, refusing to be released so that they might gain an even better resurrection. ³⁶ Some faced jeers and flogging, and even chains and imprisonment. ³⁷ They were put to death by stoning; they were sawed in two; they were killed by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— ³⁸ the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, living in caves and in holes in the ground.

³⁹ These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised, ⁴⁰ since God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect.

Hebrews 1