Death & Beauty

I am a sucker for all things fall-ish. Pumpkins. Hot Cider. Cooler weather. Candles. Bright red apples. Sensual amber lotion from bath & body works. Golden sunflowers. Red, orange, yellow, and golden leaves. Thanksgiving. Sweaters. Hats. Scarves. I find myself constantly analyzing every inch of Berry’s trees to see the beginnings of the bright colors that are yet to come.

God seems to have me on this theme verse right now: “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it.” –Jesus (Luke 9:23).

I forgot to mention when I was basking in my love for all things fall, that deep down inside me there is a part of me that hates it. That’s right, hate. Before you go all crazy on me, let me explain myself. Fall reminds me of old pain. It reminds me of the scars on my soul. I don’t pretend to know why. There is just something in the air this time of year that always causes me to reflect more deeply for good or ill. And last night at church it got me thinking…how can I love and hate something at the same time? I joke about my love/hate relationship with school, exercise, junk food, health food, etc. But seriously, how can you love and hate something? Jesus says that if we want to live we have to die. I want to live, and I love the life He offers. But there is no denying that I hate dying; dying to self, to flesh, to my own will.

Then, I looked at the trees again. I thought about the process that they are going through at this time of year. They are not at their high of life when they change colors, they are dying. They are shedding their beautiful lush green foliage to be naked and bare for the cold winter months down the road. It is in their death that they become astounding. It is in their death that they stop you in your tracks and cause you to gaze at their beauty. It is in their death that they become truly marvelous.

And, I think that is a lot like us. It is when we die that we begin to truly reflect the beauty and majesty of our Creator. It’s when we lay our lives down daily that God uses us to cause people to stop in their tracks.

I don’t know about you, but to me, dying daily does not sound like any picnic (well, unless there is ants, and mosquitoes, and its 100 degrees and humid, then maybe it’s like a picnic. But you see my point). Dying daily is not fun. It is hard. And there are times when I hate it, but I also hate that I hate it. A guy named St. Augustine once said “A Christian has two loves in their heart, the love for what is good and the love for what is evil. The Christian hates that he loves what is evil.” I think that Augustine guy had a good point. We are always going to be at war. Not just against the Enemy, but also against ourselves. There is a constant battle going on inside of us, the flesh and the Spirit. Romans 7:21-23 says, “So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”

So you see it is truly a love/hate relationship we have with ourselves if we are in Christ. Our flesh hates being put to death, but we cannot afford to not do it. For in the death of the flesh, the beauty of God shines brightly, just like that crisp orange leaf outside your window.