my isaac

After I made the decision to not go to Rwanda, my emotions and spiritual life have been an absolute mess.

For example...I went to the dentist a few weeks ago.  My dentist was just making conversation and asking me how things were coming along with the move.  I updated her on the status of my decision; no problem.  However, when I got home I was a basket case.  I guess I wasn't prepared to talk about it that day, and it took me off guard to recount everything that had happened.  I cried for Rwanda for pretty much the rest of the day.  It wasn't a pretty sight.

I have questioned God and my faith more in this past month than I have in years. 

I knew that moving to Rwanda was going to take faith.  In many ways I was going in blind, so I had to trust Him from the beginning.  It was going to take a faith I did not possess.  I knew that.  I accepted that.

But not moving?  Staying where life is comfortable?  Staying in my own culture?  Staying with my family?  How was that going to take faith?  That was the easy thing!

Um...I was wrong.  It is requiring so much faith in ways I wasn't expecting.

It takes faith to believe that God is still who He says He is.
 He is truth.  He is love.  He is not a liar. 
(John 14:6; 1 John 4:8; Hebrews 6:18) 
I'm struggling with these truths right now.  I have questioned His character lately.  We must keep going to the Word to tell us who our God is.  The Word is truth.

He's not lying to you.  He is truth; even if your circumstances suggest otherwise.  Don't look at your circumstances.  Look at Him.  Oh that my eyes would be so fixated upon the Lord Jesus that all else would fade away.

 It takes faith to know that He hasn't forsaken you
The enemy has used the door closing on Rwanda to try and convince me that means God doesn't want me.  That is a lie. 
Even when your circumstances tell you He has abandoned you, He hasn't.
He doesn't abandon us.  Ever.  No matter what your circumstances or heart tell you.
HE IS STILL THERE.
(Isaiah 49:15; Hebrews 13:5)

It takes faith to lay your Isaac on the alter.
"By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice.  He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead..." -Hebrews 11:17-19

I don't know what your Isaac is today, but I know that it's hard to give him up.  It is hard to give God control.  It is not natural.  Our flesh resists it and it makes our hearts hurt. 

I used to pray for the faith of Abraham.  This week I've wondered how Abraham did it.  How did he make that three day trek?  How did he believe God would provide?  How did he raise the knife?

"Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead..."

He trusted God.  He reasoned that God was big enough to handle what seemed to be a dead end.  Even when it seemed like God was telling him to do something that would hinder the plan; he trusted God.

God told me to go to Rwanda.  Yet, it seems I am at a dead end.  So what can I do?
I want to reason that God is big enough to handle this.  He can raise this dream to life again.  Not that He must, but He can should He choose it.

I have to really let Isaac go.  I have to really give it to Him with no strings attached.

He knows better than I do.
He can be trusted.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.  Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust..." - Psalm 40:1-4

I was supposed to buy a one-way plane ticket tomorrow...

I was going to follow God to the other side of the world.  It was a painful journey to get to that point, but He faithfully helped me commit.  He led me to make a heart commitment to that journey. 

I was going to move to Rwanda and teach in an American school.   But today, I told the missionaries there that I would not be joining them in August. 

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The doors were swinging open left and right.  The confirmations from God were sometimes overwhelming; I had so many of them.

So I gave in to His will.  I told Him I would go.  I asked Him to watch over my family.  I asked Him to care for them and give them peace about His will for my life.  I let go of them.  I let go knowing that when I left I might not see them again until we stand in the presence of the Almighty.

Then, I got excited.  And I mean like SUPER excited!

This is why I went into education!  It is actually happening!  He is calling me to GO!  I am GOING! AHH! 

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Then almost as fast as the doors opened they closed.  I don't know if that has ever happened to you, but it really knocks the wind out of you.

con·fu·sion
noun

1.  lack of understanding; uncertainty

2. the state of being bewildered or unclear in one's mind about something.

 
I have never felt so hurt by confusion.

What do you do when God has told you to "GO," yet the door you thought He was talking about is shut and locked?

"Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." -psalm 143:8
 This verse has been my prayer for the past several weeks, and I was feeling (don't ever listen to your feelings) like it wasn't true anymore.  So I took my heartache before Him.

Show me what to do.  You made it so clear, and now I don't know how to keep going!  Where do I go? What do I do?  Why are you letting this happen?  Why did you tell me to go if I have to stay?  Tell me what to do! I want to obey you! Show me how!

"You know what to do"  
This was His gentle reply.


How? I can't see it!  I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark!  I don't know what to do.

"Love the Lord your God with all you heart, soul, mind, and strength.  That is what you do."

Love God above all else.  Forsake all family, friends, passions, desires, dreams, hopes and cling to Jesus alone.  Love God more than your family.  Love God more than a country.  Love God more than a people.

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God has given me amazing peace about not going.  My heart is still broken over the situation, but God is mending me.  He is equipping me.  He has a purpose in this, and I choose to trust Him.  I don't understand what He is doing, but I know He is who He says He is.

If you feel lead, please pray for me that I would continue to be able to accept His will.
Thank you for reading this. 
Blessings to you.

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"He will raise you up out of a rubble of confusion, so that you're trained and equipped for the works that work."-Beth Moore

"...we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of His calling, and that by His power He may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of the Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." - 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12