Jesus turned around

Do you ever feel like God is too busy for you?  
Like, He'll get to you after--
He helps that solider overseas,
the family trapped in slavery,
and the parents who just lost their baby?

Those are all real situations.  They all need the body of Christ to surround them with love, prayer, and when appropriate action.  They all involve pain.  A real heartbroken sob kind of pain.  I know that.  I know God cares for them.  He knows what is going on in their hearts.  He walks with them through that pain.  It's my own personal belief that Jesus cries for them at the right hand of the Father.  I believe He cries with them and holds them in their pain.  He feels it.  Perhaps even deeper than they do.  But what about when you aren't in the midst of tragedy and you just need Him to be there for you too?


I make the mistake of thinking God is like me.  That He somehow can't do both.  That He is bound to dealing with one person at a time. 

I recently came across a story in the bible that is very personal to me.  It is a part of how I came to know Christ.  It is a story I have loved and cherished for a few years.  But this past time God brought it to my attention, something brand new came to my attention.  Don't you just love it when He reveals new things from the familiar!? 

²⁵ A woman who had had a hemorrhage for twelve years, ²⁶ and had endured much at the hands of many physicians, and had spent all that she had and was not helped at all, but rather had grown worse— ²⁷ after hearing about Jesus, she came up in the crowd behind Him and touched His cloak. ²⁸ For she thought, “If I just touch His garments, I will get well.” ²⁹ Immediately the flow of her blood was dried up; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her affliction. ³⁰ Immediately Jesus, perceiving in Himself that the power proceeding from Him had gone forth, turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched My garments?” ³¹ And His disciples said to Him, “You see the crowd pressing in on You, and You say, ‘Who touched Me?’” ³² And He looked around to see the woman who had done this. ³³ But the woman fearing and trembling, aware of what had happened to her, came and fell down before Him and told Him the whole truth. ³⁴ And He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction.” -Mark 5

The context of this story is Jesus raising a 12 year old girl to life.


In this past, this story has always caused me to reflect upon the fact that I cannot make Jesus unclean.  Which is a great point!  There is a fabulous sermon by Beth Moore on this aspect of it. 
However, that is not what I got this time. 

Instead, what jumped out at me is "[He] turned around." 

Stay with me here for a minute, when this happens Jesus is in the middle of going to raise a dead child.  He is going to raise Jarius' little girl back to life.  That is kind of a big deal!  I wonder if the crowd was talking about what He was would do when He reached Jarius' house.  Did they mention raising the dead?  Were they crying because they knew and loved this family?  Did they doubt?  What were they saying as Jesus was making His way through them with this father (who was probably a hot mess)?

The woman comes up behind Him.  She acts in faith believing the corner of His clothes would be all it takes to heal her from her affliction.  She was right.  Immediately her blood stopped. 

Jesus could have just kept on walking.  
Instead, He turns around and looks for her. 

I imagine when she fell down before Him that meant her face was on the ground next to His feet.  I imagine He had to bend down and raise her head when He said to her “daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace and be healed of your affliction.”  Can't you sense the tenderness in His voice? 

Jesus then goes on and raises Jarius' little girl to life.
   
Yet He made time in the middle of raising the dead to tend to a private sickness.  

See, what I'm learning is that God is not like me.  He can raise the dead and heal our personal diseases all at the same time.  My attention is limited.  I can only focus on so many things at once.  

But He is not bound by focus.  He is not bound by time or space.

He can tend to that soldier in Iraq while comforting you with your anxiety issues, depression, worry, or stress, etc, etc.

HE CAN DO BOTH.

He is not too busy for you.  He knows you are in that crowd.  He knows what it is that is weighing you down.  You are not simply a face in a crowd.  You are loved by Him.  He knows you completely (psalm 139).  He can deal with tragedy and everyday stress all at the same time. 

All you have to do is have enough faith to reach out and grab His shirt.
 
The Lord looks from heaven;
He sees all the sons of men;
¹⁴ From His dwelling place He looks out
On all the inhabitants of the earth,
¹⁵ He who fashions the hearts of them all,
He who understands all their works...

¹⁸ Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for His lovingkindness,
¹⁹ To deliver their soul from death
And to keep them alive in famine.
²⁰ Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
²¹ For our heart rejoices in Him,
Because we trust in His holy name.
²²Let Your lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us,
According as we have hoped in You.

Psalm 33

my isaac

After I made the decision to not go to Rwanda, my emotions and spiritual life have been an absolute mess.

For example...I went to the dentist a few weeks ago.  My dentist was just making conversation and asking me how things were coming along with the move.  I updated her on the status of my decision; no problem.  However, when I got home I was a basket case.  I guess I wasn't prepared to talk about it that day, and it took me off guard to recount everything that had happened.  I cried for Rwanda for pretty much the rest of the day.  It wasn't a pretty sight.

I have questioned God and my faith more in this past month than I have in years. 

I knew that moving to Rwanda was going to take faith.  In many ways I was going in blind, so I had to trust Him from the beginning.  It was going to take a faith I did not possess.  I knew that.  I accepted that.

But not moving?  Staying where life is comfortable?  Staying in my own culture?  Staying with my family?  How was that going to take faith?  That was the easy thing!

Um...I was wrong.  It is requiring so much faith in ways I wasn't expecting.

It takes faith to believe that God is still who He says He is.
 He is truth.  He is love.  He is not a liar. 
(John 14:6; 1 John 4:8; Hebrews 6:18) 
I'm struggling with these truths right now.  I have questioned His character lately.  We must keep going to the Word to tell us who our God is.  The Word is truth.

He's not lying to you.  He is truth; even if your circumstances suggest otherwise.  Don't look at your circumstances.  Look at Him.  Oh that my eyes would be so fixated upon the Lord Jesus that all else would fade away.

 It takes faith to know that He hasn't forsaken you
The enemy has used the door closing on Rwanda to try and convince me that means God doesn't want me.  That is a lie. 
Even when your circumstances tell you He has abandoned you, He hasn't.
He doesn't abandon us.  Ever.  No matter what your circumstances or heart tell you.
HE IS STILL THERE.
(Isaiah 49:15; Hebrews 13:5)

It takes faith to lay your Isaac on the alter.
"By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice.  He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead..." -Hebrews 11:17-19

I don't know what your Isaac is today, but I know that it's hard to give him up.  It is hard to give God control.  It is not natural.  Our flesh resists it and it makes our hearts hurt. 

I used to pray for the faith of Abraham.  This week I've wondered how Abraham did it.  How did he make that three day trek?  How did he believe God would provide?  How did he raise the knife?

"Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead..."

He trusted God.  He reasoned that God was big enough to handle what seemed to be a dead end.  Even when it seemed like God was telling him to do something that would hinder the plan; he trusted God.

God told me to go to Rwanda.  Yet, it seems I am at a dead end.  So what can I do?
I want to reason that God is big enough to handle this.  He can raise this dream to life again.  Not that He must, but He can should He choose it.

I have to really let Isaac go.  I have to really give it to Him with no strings attached.

He knows better than I do.
He can be trusted.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.  Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust..." - Psalm 40:1-4

I was supposed to buy a one-way plane ticket tomorrow...

I was going to follow God to the other side of the world.  It was a painful journey to get to that point, but He faithfully helped me commit.  He led me to make a heart commitment to that journey. 

I was going to move to Rwanda and teach in an American school.   But today, I told the missionaries there that I would not be joining them in August. 

_____________________________________________________

The doors were swinging open left and right.  The confirmations from God were sometimes overwhelming; I had so many of them.

So I gave in to His will.  I told Him I would go.  I asked Him to watch over my family.  I asked Him to care for them and give them peace about His will for my life.  I let go of them.  I let go knowing that when I left I might not see them again until we stand in the presence of the Almighty.

Then, I got excited.  And I mean like SUPER excited!

This is why I went into education!  It is actually happening!  He is calling me to GO!  I am GOING! AHH! 

 _____________________________________________________ 

Then almost as fast as the doors opened they closed.  I don't know if that has ever happened to you, but it really knocks the wind out of you.

con·fu·sion
noun

1.  lack of understanding; uncertainty

2. the state of being bewildered or unclear in one's mind about something.

 
I have never felt so hurt by confusion.

What do you do when God has told you to "GO," yet the door you thought He was talking about is shut and locked?

"Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." -psalm 143:8
 This verse has been my prayer for the past several weeks, and I was feeling (don't ever listen to your feelings) like it wasn't true anymore.  So I took my heartache before Him.

Show me what to do.  You made it so clear, and now I don't know how to keep going!  Where do I go? What do I do?  Why are you letting this happen?  Why did you tell me to go if I have to stay?  Tell me what to do! I want to obey you! Show me how!

"You know what to do"  
This was His gentle reply.


How? I can't see it!  I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark!  I don't know what to do.

"Love the Lord your God with all you heart, soul, mind, and strength.  That is what you do."

Love God above all else.  Forsake all family, friends, passions, desires, dreams, hopes and cling to Jesus alone.  Love God more than your family.  Love God more than a country.  Love God more than a people.

 _____________________________________________________

God has given me amazing peace about not going.  My heart is still broken over the situation, but God is mending me.  He is equipping me.  He has a purpose in this, and I choose to trust Him.  I don't understand what He is doing, but I know He is who He says He is.

If you feel lead, please pray for me that I would continue to be able to accept His will.
Thank you for reading this. 
Blessings to you.

  _____________________________________________________

"He will raise you up out of a rubble of confusion, so that you're trained and equipped for the works that work."-Beth Moore

"...we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of His calling, and that by His power He may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of the Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." - 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

tough love

He was having a rough day.

He was tired, kept awake by the storms. 
He was wound up by the rain and serious lack of outdoor playtime.
In short, he was grumpy and had struck my last nerve.

I told this six year old he had one more chance to do the right thing or I was sending him to the principal.  I used my mean teacher voice (laugh all you want, but I've got one.  Its hidden deep inside my vocal cords like a beast that's awakened only when my kids misbehave).  

He returned to his seat and pouted his little heart out.  I ignored his huffs, puffs, and groans of agony.  Little kids can be incredibly dramatic.

I continued working with my small group.

Later when there was some hustlin' and bustlin' the six year old walked over to my desk.

"Miss Emily," he begins in a tone of voice which is surprisingly calm.

"Yes?" I respond while looking over at this little person standing next to me.

"I've decided you must not really care about me because you won't let me do [x,y,z]."

"I do care about you, [student's name].  That is why I make you follow the rules.  If I didn't care about you, I'd let you do whatever you want."

"No, you don't.  I don't love you anymore and I don't like you."

"That is fine, [student's name].  You don't have to like me.  But how you feel about me does not change the fact that I care about you and want what is best for you.  We have rules for a reason.  Rules keep us safe...etc, etc."

He let it go at that and we went about our day.

_______________________________

I am like my kids in so many ways.  Maybe that is why I like being around them so much.  One huge way is that I think the same way this little boy does. 

I get caught up in my circumstances and what is happening around me.  I have good experiences and equate them with God's love.  I have bad experiences and question what it is that I have done wrong.  I wonder why His love is not with me like it was when that great thing was happening.

Much like that kid, I tend to think His love is me getting my own way.

The truth is His love is with me on the good and bad days.  When I have a day of pure bliss, His love is there.  When I have a day of darkness and pain, His love is there.  When I am in pain over my sin, that is HIS LOVE. (I'm talking conviction of the Holy Spirit, which is not to be confused with condemnation from the enemy).

What I see in my circumstances is not an indicator of how much God decides He wants to love me or pay attention to me that day.

Our actions, good or bad, do not determine God's love for us.   He loves us in spite of us.  Just like I cared for the little boy in my story.  I meant it when I told him I loved him regardless of how he felt about me.  Even when we are huffing and puffing, His love is there.  His love is constant.  It is not altered by what we do or don't do.  His love for us is not based on us.  His love for us is based on Jesus. 

"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he 

loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins."  

1 John 4:10

“My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.”  As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father?  If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all.  Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever?"  

Hebrews 12:5-9

_______________________________

 
So, the next time you experience some tough love from our gracious loving Heavenly Father may it be thanksgiving on your heart.  May you recognize and see glimpses of His love for you in the middle of the discipline.  I do not think that is possible on our own, but with God all things are possible. Matthew 19:26

 _______________________________

 Later on in the school day, the boy came over to me and said, "I love you to the beach and back, Miss Emily." 

I smiled at him.  

 

"I love you too.  I will love you even if you decide again that you don't love me or like me back." 

love

What do you do when you feel dirty?  When your sin is so blatant and so in your face that you don't know where to look?

When those sins that you struggle with come up again?

When you fall again?
When you struggle again?
When you choose to sin again?

Faith and belief in Jesus is a choice.  I can choose to believe how I feel about myself or I can choose to believe what God's word says about me.

God's word says those of us in Christ Jesus are

blessed
chosen
adopted
accepted
redeemed
forgiven 

(ephesians 1)

His Word says that I am loved.  The Word is truth, and the truth says He loves us.
 
But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. -Romans 5:8

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. - 1 John 4:10

The dictionary defines love this way---
Beloved:

(adj.) greatly loved; dear to the heart.

(n.)  a person who is greatly loved.

 

The word of God defines it---

 Love is: patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. -1 Corinthians 13:4-8

God Himself is love (1 John 4:8).
He loves me.
He loves you.
That will not and cannot change.

For I am convinced that 

neither death, 

nor life, 

nor angels, 

nor principalities, 

nor things present, 

nor things to come, 

nor powers,  

nor height, 

nor depth, 

nor any other created thing, 

will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  

-Romans 8:38-39

Jesus loves me, this I know

I betcha you thought I forgot about this 'ole blog, didn't cha?

Well maybe I did and maybe I didn't; the point is I'm back.  It's okay to let your excitement soar (note the sarcasm). 

 ___________________________________________________________________

Jesus loves me

this I know

for the bible

tells me so

These words have been committed to my memory since I was a toddler.  In all likelihood this was the first song I ever learned.  Yet lately I have been struggling with those words.  I realized recently that I have not been believing those words.  Instead the song of my heart has been...

Jesus loves me

this I know

for I work hard

to show Him so

Jesus does not love me/you/we/us because of what we do for Him.

Somehow there must be a disconnect between my fingers typing those words and my heart accepting them.  I grew up with this mentality that I have to earn His love and acceptance. 

Jesus does not love me because of my "good" actions.  Nor does He fail to love me because of my evil actions.  

Unconditional love.  No strings attached.  No bounds, barriers or blockades. 

His love is whole.  His love is complete.  His love is perfect.

I struggle to not think that how well I love Jesus is how much love I will get back from Him. If that were true, I wouldn't be His beloved. 

True love

that is to say, His love 

cannot be earned, merited, or won.

It is a gift

given by a holy God 

to a wretched human race.

God's love. 

What a wild idea.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation." -Romans 5:1-9

Jesus loves me

this I know

for the Bible

tells me so

Little Drummer Girl

I have had this nagging feeling since about September or October.

This feeling that it isn't enough.

Let me be honest, I've been struggling with my job.  Struggling yet unable to quite put my finger on the reason behind the struggle.

Perhaps it's living at home? Nope.

Perhaps it's the semi-adjustments to adult life? Wrong-O.

Perhaps it's the stress that comes with having a job?  Try again.

Perhaps it's the people you work with?  Not-it.

I've been searching for what it is that bothers me so much, and this December it has crashed right into my face and the flames are a-blazin'

It is the fact that I want more than what I am doing right now.  I want to do great things for God, and my job does not seem, feel or appear to be anything great.  I want to be worthy of Him.

Hmmm...did any of that catch your attention?  It should have, because its got pride written all over it.

I want to do great things for God.

Please tell me this one made you squirm.
Doing great things for God.  What a funny concept.  That we, the created, could do something that would impress the Creator.  I grew up in churches that sang this day in and day out.  They taught me "I could do things for God.  I could be a great worker for the kingdom of God."  The problem with that is the "I" at the beginning of each statement.  When it becomes more about me and less about God we have a problem. It is not I who do the great things, rather it is God who does them.  If I happen to be involved it is because "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong" (1 Cor. 1:27).  If I'm involved in what God is doing it is because He uses weak things to show His strength.  And I am weak.

"There is a difference between trying to do things for God and doing things with God." -Beth Moore

I want to be worthy of Him.

I'm pretty sure I've struggled with this since I was born.  It's never going to happen, I know.  I keep trying to accept that.  Yet I keep failing.

As I said, my job has had me discouraged because it does not seem to be any big deal.  It doesn't appear that I'm making a difference in the world.  And I want to make a difference.  I can't see anything good I am doing.  And I want to do good.  I want my life to reflect Jesus.  There is pride mixed in with all of this. 

I finally broke one day, and confessed all this to Him.  Prayer and confession really are powerful things.



God orchestrated it so that I read my kids (uh-hem I mean students) a book based on the story of the little drummer boy.  You know the one, the kid ends up at the stable in Bethlehem with nothing to offer the King except his drum.  This kid (in the story book, not the bible) is in the presence of great people of the East.  The wise men.  They have gold, frankincense, and myrrh.  What does he have? Only a puny little drum.   So he plays his best and baby Jesus smiles.

It is a miracle I made it through the book without losing it right then and there.  Because it hit me, as I sat there reading to the fourteen five & six year olds who hold my heart, I am the boy with the drum.

I am realizing more and more, I have nothing of worth to offer Him.
I don't have gifts that are fit for my King.
And instead of looking at Him, I've been distracted.  Distracted by all the gifts I see around me that look and feel so much grander than my own.

My sin, my home, my job, my life; these are the things I can offer.  I can give Him these things today.  And though they are not worthy of Him, He will accept them.  Because He knows.  Because He died and rose again.  Because He loves me.  Even though I struggle daily to love Him back.

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. -Romans 12:1

This is the picture of God's grace I'm stumbling through right now.

God's Grace. 

What a wild concept.

 Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Romans 3:20-24 For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin. But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it — the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

Romans 5:1-2 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Ephesians 2:4-9 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.