my isaac

After I made the decision to not go to Rwanda, my emotions and spiritual life have been an absolute mess.

For example...I went to the dentist a few weeks ago.  My dentist was just making conversation and asking me how things were coming along with the move.  I updated her on the status of my decision; no problem.  However, when I got home I was a basket case.  I guess I wasn't prepared to talk about it that day, and it took me off guard to recount everything that had happened.  I cried for Rwanda for pretty much the rest of the day.  It wasn't a pretty sight.

I have questioned God and my faith more in this past month than I have in years. 

I knew that moving to Rwanda was going to take faith.  In many ways I was going in blind, so I had to trust Him from the beginning.  It was going to take a faith I did not possess.  I knew that.  I accepted that.

But not moving?  Staying where life is comfortable?  Staying in my own culture?  Staying with my family?  How was that going to take faith?  That was the easy thing!

Um...I was wrong.  It is requiring so much faith in ways I wasn't expecting.

It takes faith to believe that God is still who He says He is.
 He is truth.  He is love.  He is not a liar. 
(John 14:6; 1 John 4:8; Hebrews 6:18) 
I'm struggling with these truths right now.  I have questioned His character lately.  We must keep going to the Word to tell us who our God is.  The Word is truth.

He's not lying to you.  He is truth; even if your circumstances suggest otherwise.  Don't look at your circumstances.  Look at Him.  Oh that my eyes would be so fixated upon the Lord Jesus that all else would fade away.

 It takes faith to know that He hasn't forsaken you
The enemy has used the door closing on Rwanda to try and convince me that means God doesn't want me.  That is a lie. 
Even when your circumstances tell you He has abandoned you, He hasn't.
He doesn't abandon us.  Ever.  No matter what your circumstances or heart tell you.
HE IS STILL THERE.
(Isaiah 49:15; Hebrews 13:5)

It takes faith to lay your Isaac on the alter.
"By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice.  He who had received the promises was about to sacrifice his one and only son, even though God had said to him, "it is through Isaac that your offspring will be reckoned." Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead..." -Hebrews 11:17-19

I don't know what your Isaac is today, but I know that it's hard to give him up.  It is hard to give God control.  It is not natural.  Our flesh resists it and it makes our hearts hurt. 

I used to pray for the faith of Abraham.  This week I've wondered how Abraham did it.  How did he make that three day trek?  How did he believe God would provide?  How did he raise the knife?

"Abraham reasoned that God could raise the dead..."

He trusted God.  He reasoned that God was big enough to handle what seemed to be a dead end.  Even when it seemed like God was telling him to do something that would hinder the plan; he trusted God.

God told me to go to Rwanda.  Yet, it seems I am at a dead end.  So what can I do?
I want to reason that God is big enough to handle this.  He can raise this dream to life again.  Not that He must, but He can should He choose it.

I have to really let Isaac go.  I have to really give it to Him with no strings attached.

He knows better than I do.
He can be trusted.

"I waited patiently for the LORD; He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord.  Blessed is the man who makes the Lord his trust..." - Psalm 40:1-4