I was supposed to buy a one-way plane ticket tomorrow...

I was going to follow God to the other side of the world.  It was a painful journey to get to that point, but He faithfully helped me commit.  He led me to make a heart commitment to that journey. 

I was going to move to Rwanda and teach in an American school.   But today, I told the missionaries there that I would not be joining them in August. 

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The doors were swinging open left and right.  The confirmations from God were sometimes overwhelming; I had so many of them.

So I gave in to His will.  I told Him I would go.  I asked Him to watch over my family.  I asked Him to care for them and give them peace about His will for my life.  I let go of them.  I let go knowing that when I left I might not see them again until we stand in the presence of the Almighty.

Then, I got excited.  And I mean like SUPER excited!

This is why I went into education!  It is actually happening!  He is calling me to GO!  I am GOING! AHH! 

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Then almost as fast as the doors opened they closed.  I don't know if that has ever happened to you, but it really knocks the wind out of you.

con·fu·sion
noun

1.  lack of understanding; uncertainty

2. the state of being bewildered or unclear in one's mind about something.

 
I have never felt so hurt by confusion.

What do you do when God has told you to "GO," yet the door you thought He was talking about is shut and locked?

"Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul." -psalm 143:8
 This verse has been my prayer for the past several weeks, and I was feeling (don't ever listen to your feelings) like it wasn't true anymore.  So I took my heartache before Him.

Show me what to do.  You made it so clear, and now I don't know how to keep going!  Where do I go? What do I do?  Why are you letting this happen?  Why did you tell me to go if I have to stay?  Tell me what to do! I want to obey you! Show me how!

"You know what to do"  
This was His gentle reply.


How? I can't see it!  I feel like I'm wandering around in the dark!  I don't know what to do.

"Love the Lord your God with all you heart, soul, mind, and strength.  That is what you do."

Love God above all else.  Forsake all family, friends, passions, desires, dreams, hopes and cling to Jesus alone.  Love God more than your family.  Love God more than a country.  Love God more than a people.

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God has given me amazing peace about not going.  My heart is still broken over the situation, but God is mending me.  He is equipping me.  He has a purpose in this, and I choose to trust Him.  I don't understand what He is doing, but I know He is who He says He is.

If you feel lead, please pray for me that I would continue to be able to accept His will.
Thank you for reading this. 
Blessings to you.

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"He will raise you up out of a rubble of confusion, so that you're trained and equipped for the works that work."-Beth Moore

"...we constantly pray for you, that our God may count you worthy of His calling, and that by His power He may fulfill every good purpose of yours and every act prompted by your faith. We pray this so that the name of the Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." - 2 Thessalonians 1:11-12