Little Drummer Girl

I have had this nagging feeling since about September or October.

This feeling that it isn't enough.

Let me be honest, I've been struggling with my job.  Struggling yet unable to quite put my finger on the reason behind the struggle.

Perhaps it's living at home? Nope.

Perhaps it's the semi-adjustments to adult life? Wrong-O.

Perhaps it's the stress that comes with having a job?  Try again.

Perhaps it's the people you work with?  Not-it.

I've been searching for what it is that bothers me so much, and this December it has crashed right into my face and the flames are a-blazin'

It is the fact that I want more than what I am doing right now.  I want to do great things for God, and my job does not seem, feel or appear to be anything great.  I want to be worthy of Him.

Hmmm...did any of that catch your attention?  It should have, because its got pride written all over it.

I want to do great things for God.

Please tell me this one made you squirm.
Doing great things for God.  What a funny concept.  That we, the created, could do something that would impress the Creator.  I grew up in churches that sang this day in and day out.  They taught me "I could do things for God.  I could be a great worker for the kingdom of God."  The problem with that is the "I" at the beginning of each statement.  When it becomes more about me and less about God we have a problem. It is not I who do the great things, rather it is God who does them.  If I happen to be involved it is because "God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong" (1 Cor. 1:27).  If I'm involved in what God is doing it is because He uses weak things to show His strength.  And I am weak.

"There is a difference between trying to do things for God and doing things with God." -Beth Moore

I want to be worthy of Him.

I'm pretty sure I've struggled with this since I was born.  It's never going to happen, I know.  I keep trying to accept that.  Yet I keep failing.

As I said, my job has had me discouraged because it does not seem to be any big deal.  It doesn't appear that I'm making a difference in the world.  And I want to make a difference.  I can't see anything good I am doing.  And I want to do good.  I want my life to reflect Jesus.  There is pride mixed in with all of this. 

I finally broke one day, and confessed all this to Him.  Prayer and confession really are powerful things.



God orchestrated it so that I read my kids (uh-hem I mean students) a book based on the story of the little drummer boy.  You know the one, the kid ends up at the stable in Bethlehem with nothing to offer the King except his drum.  This kid (in the story book, not the bible) is in the presence of great people of the East.  The wise men.  They have gold, frankincense, and myrrh.  What does he have? Only a puny little drum.   So he plays his best and baby Jesus smiles.

It is a miracle I made it through the book without losing it right then and there.  Because it hit me, as I sat there reading to the fourteen five & six year olds who hold my heart, I am the boy with the drum.

I am realizing more and more, I have nothing of worth to offer Him.
I don't have gifts that are fit for my King.
And instead of looking at Him, I've been distracted.  Distracted by all the gifts I see around me that look and feel so much grander than my own.

My sin, my home, my job, my life; these are the things I can offer.  I can give Him these things today.  And though they are not worthy of Him, He will accept them.  Because He knows.  Because He died and rose again.  Because He loves me.  Even though I struggle daily to love Him back.

Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. -Romans 12:1

This is the picture of God's grace I'm stumbling through right now.

God's Grace. 

What a wild concept.

 Hebrews 4:16 Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Romans 3:20-24 For by works of the law no human being will be justified in his sight, since through the law comes knowledge of sin. But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it — the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus

Romans 5:1-2 Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Ephesians 2:4-9 But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ— by grace you have been saved—and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the coming ages he might show the immeasurable riches of his grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.

Thankfulness

It seems as though with each passing year I become more and more aware of my blessings.  I become more and more conscience of how blessed I am.

But this Thanksgiving season has been heavy.

I know people who died this year.
I know there are families around hospital beds instead of thanksgiving tables.
There are people who dread the holidays because of the abuse, neglect, and unloving atmosphere the word "home" creates.
I know there will be children that will be hungry instead of full on Thursday afternoon.

I have been almost hyper-aware of the broken state of our world this fall.

Our world is broken, messed up, and sometimes just down right ugly.

There is not an insta-cure.

We cannot fix it.

And it breaks my heart.

So when I read something like this...
 "Rejoice always, pray continually,  give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." -1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

...it leaves me feeling a bit frustrated.  

Give thanks in all circumstances? Really?  What about when the circumstances are bad?  What about when the circumstances get worse?  How in the world do you do that?
How do you rejoice when your heart is broken?  Give thanks when you feel robbed?


How?

The verse in 1 Thessalonians does not say: "give thanks for all circumstances."  Instead it says "in all circumstances."  

I think therein lies the key to understanding this verse.   The key is to keep your focus upward.  To keep your focus on God and not your circumstances.  Like Peter when he walked on the water we have to keep our eyes fixed upon Jesus, not the storms we find ourselves in.

We don't look to what is seen, but to what is unseen (2 Cor. 5:7).  Therefore, we have hope.  Therefore, we eagerly rejoice.  We rejoice in Jesus.  In who He is and what He has done.  We rejoice with truth.
We rejoice because we are loved by God Almighty.

Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe -Hebrews 12:28

This Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for the things God has given me.  
I'm thankful my mom survived another surgery, and is alive and well.
I'm thankful to be with my family. 
I'm thankful for the late night cards games,
and giggles of little cousins playing hide and seek.
I'm thankful to have a home with people who love me
and is continually filled with laughter.  

This Thanksgiving, it's going to be a good one.
The turkey is cooking and the places at the table are numerous.

Yet I pray that when the things on earth fade away, I remember.  I pray I remember the real reason I can celebrate.  The real reason I have to be thankful.  Not because of circumstances, but because of Someone who died for me.

I can be thankful, always.  In all circumstances because my King is.  Therefore, I will rejoice.

Happy Thanksgiving.

My Berry Expereince: The CDC

No, I'm not talking about the center for disease control.  I'm talking about Berry's Child Development Center.

It's hard for me to put into words what this place means to me.  This post is going to be short, and not do justice to what is in my heart.  But I can't reflect on my time at Berry without my mind going back to this space.

The number of times I would be so stressed I couldn't see straight during my time at Berry is unfathomable.  I'll be honest, I had some hard days and dealt with some ugly stuff.  But by the grace of God I would go into one of those cottage classrooms and be met by three and four year old faces looking up at me.  So somehow all that stress from a moment ago would melt away.  He used those little guys to keep me going.  To energize me and give me a good laugh.

I can't even begin to describe everything God taught me there.  There is so much it might take me a whole week to write it all out.  He taught me more about Himself.  He taught me more about myself.  To top it off, He gave me little sneak peeks into His heart through those precious kiddos.

It was in this place He confirmed what His direction on my life would be. 


I am thankful God lead me to Berry for many reasons, but a big one is because of this preschool.

I was only able to find one other post about my job.  But it pretty much captures the kind of things God revealed to me regularly while I was there.

Really, the only words I have left are to God be the glory.

My Berry Experience: The Road to an Unwanted Destination

This is the first of probably multiple posts about the best college in the world.

Tonight it sank in a little more that it's real.

It's really coming to a close.

I'm sure tomorrow and Saturday will be similar experiences, but man.

I can't believe I'm almost done with college.

In less than 48 hours I'll be alumni.

 Whew, what a crazy wild ride it has been. 

 People made lists about things they love/memories of their experiences at Berry.

Cecily shared them with all of us.

It flooded my mind with memories.

It really seems like ages ago that I got a flyer in the mail showing this beautiful campus.

I was a sophomore in high school.

It was BEAUTIFUL.

I couldn't believe the gorgeous architecture of the school.

I want to go there.

This was the thought on my mind.

I held onto the flyer.

Tucked it away in a box and kept it safe.

Then senior year of high school happened.

It was time to pick a next step.  

I was still interested in that beautiful school on the flyer from the mail.

A Berry rep came to my high school to try and convince us Berry was the place for us.

BUT, they didn't have my major.

And they were expensive,

REALLY expensive.

A college road trip with my Padre ensued.

Filled with pizza, old radio theater, and lots of driving.

We went to several schools,

but I only remember two:

West Florida

and Berry.

West Florida was amazing.  They had an incredible marine biology program.  Their description of the labs I would get to do made my mouth water.  And it was close to the beach!  You have to understand, I had wanted to be a marine scientist from the time I was 3 years old.  I never changed my mind about what I wanted to do.  I was not on of those kids who went back and forth.  I knew what I wanted, and I was going to go after it with everything inside me.

 

 Then we went to Berry.

I only remember two things about my first visit.

1) One of the professors I talked to was a jerk.  He strongly discouraged me from pursuing marine biology, and I did not appreciate it.  Which of course, made me want to that much more.  This really put a sour taste in my mouth for Berry.  I mean, if they were going to try and dictate what I did, why would I want that!?

2) My tour guide.  He was from England.  Enough said.

I was at a complete loss about what to do.  I loved the opportunities I would have at UWF, but I couldn't quit thinking about Berry.

Berry had this "Night with the Stars" at the Space in Rocket Center in my hometown.  I went and met what felt like everyone on staff in the admissions office.  

This involved lots of listening.

I decided to give Berry another shot and I visited again for "Decision Berry."  I met some people who later became my classmates.   I did some more listening, went on another tour, and talked to some more admissions people.

Still undecided...

Then, I chose.

I started packing to move to the biggest campus in the world.

I began my summer reading of An Ordinary Man by Paul Ruseabagina

and stepped foot on campus for the most craziest/awesome-est SOAR ever.

It blows my mind to think about how much I have changed since then.  I believe God lets us make our own choices, but I also believe He knows what we are going to choose to do.  I credit Him for paving the way to this remarkable place.

I would not change my decision for anything.

Little did I know, God had huge things in store for me over the next four years.

#truth

1) God is who He says He is

2) God can do what He says He can do

3) I am who God says I am

4) I can do all things through Christ

5) God's word is alive and active in me

For those of us in Christ, we are...

blessed.chosen.adopted. 

accepted.redeemed.forgiven.

1 Peter 5:6-11

⁶ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. ⁷ Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

⁸ Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

¹⁰ And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.¹¹ To him be the power for ever and ever. Amen.

 

 

Lead Me Back To You

Sometimes there are songs that you really love.

Other times there are songs you couldn't love less.

There are goods songs for running,

sleeping,

or driving down the highway.  

For me, these songs are all a little different.

But every once in a while,

you come across a song that hits close to home.

Maybe this is your favorite song ever.

Or maybe its a great worship song.

In a way, my life feels like it was turned upside down yesterday.

Not because it was my last day of college (though that is amazing),

but because a piece of my heart broke.

This was a song I found yesterday after that has completely swamped me.

The lyrics have become my prayer.

Hallelujah, He is mighty to save.

I got this feeling in my bones
That I need You more than I know
Yeah, I’ve been trying to do this alone
Trying to make it here on my own

It’s funny how I believe the lies every time
That I gotta run from You tonight

Tell me that Your hands are strong enough to hold me
Tell me that Your hands are merciful and true
Tell me that Your hands are wide enough for the wandering of my heart
And strong enough to bring me back to You

Why is it so hard to see
Lord I’m here now, and down on my knees
I’m down on my knees
God, I’m feeling so weak and so desperate for You to speak
Will You speak?

Come and chase away the lies
Won’t you silence them tonight

Tell me that Your hands are strong enough to hold me
Tell me that Your hands are merciful and true
Tell me that Your hands are wide enough for the wandering of my heart
And strong enough to bring me back to You

Hallelujah, You are
Hallelujah, You are
Hallelujah, You are strong

Hallelujah, You are
Hallelujah, You are
Hallelujah, You are love

Tell me that Your hands are strong enough to hold me
Tell me that Your hands are merciful and true
Tell me that Your hands are wide enough for the wandering of my heart
And strong enough to bring me back to You