the 23rd psalm

This has been my life verse lately:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 

He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters.

  He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
    for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
    I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
    your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me

    in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

Clinging to the promises of Him who is faithful.

Glory to God.

Passion 2013: the hard part

I should probably warn you that this post is not exactly the most chipper.  So, you should read to the end if you're going to read it.  It has a good ending!

Last Monday I was an absolute wreck.  My plans for the week were falling apart before my very eyes, and it literally made me sick with worry. 

It was the week I had been looking forward to all year.  It was Passion week at the Georgia Dome.

Last year, Jesus brought me back to Himself and resurrected my very soul during the conference.  This year, I wanted to experience His presence.  I wanted to dwell on Him without ceasing.  I just wanted more of Him.

When I thought it wasn't going to happen because of financial issues I was crushed.  It upset me so badly I decided I did not want to go.  My worry and stress was just too much and the evil one harped his lies upon my every thought.  I wasn't going to go.

Then, the situation worked out.  I could go now.  (Glory to God for that!)

I arrived at the Dome and was pleasantly surprised to find that I could move around without rubbing elbows with 10 other people at once (that is how it was last year).  It was going to be amazing!  The evil one had put numerous obstacles in my path to arrive there, and by the grace of God I had made it.

The conference began, and I was simply beaming with excited anticipation.

Then, nothing. No word from Him into my life.  No deep feeling of the Spirit's glorious presence.

I was a little disappointed that it didn't feel as glorious as last year.  But hey, it was only the first night.  God must be going to speak in a mighty way in the morning...

The next day came.  The morning and afternoon of that day consisted of being sick and continued disappointment.  60,000 people were experiencing what I so desperately wanted.  The presence of the Lord.  The evil one continued to throw lies in my face.  "This is not like last year" I thought.  "Last year I knew that God was going to do amazing things by the first night.  Last year He spoke words of comfort into my life.  Last year He breathed life into me again and refreshed my soul.  Where is He now?  What is going on?"  I continued to feel discouraged.  Then, the real sting came.  Francis Chan talked in the evening about trusting God.  I mean like really trusting Him.  My whole body cringed with conviction as I came to realize I do not trust Him as much as I thought.  The Lord brought things to my mind that I thought I had given Him.  I realized I had taken them back and now they were weighing me down like heavy chains.  I realized I have God in this box that says "You o Lord can handle everything except this, this, and this."  To think that I have not been trusting my precious Jesus is a horrible feeling.  My prayer turned from "where are you" to "help me overcome my unbelief!"  I prayed that prayer throughout the rest of the conference.

On the last day, I didn't want to go.  Last year there was so much comfort that the Lord poured out on me.  This year it felt like I had been beaten to a pulp.  My heart was weary instead of energized.  I left Passion this year feeling confused by my experience rather than rejuvenated. 

It just didn't make sense.  God had clearly made the way for me to go.  So why would He make it be like that?  Why would He do this to me?  To be honest, I felt hurt by Him more than anything.  I had been convicted, but I didn't change overnight.  I left Passion still carrying fear and doubt.

My drive home was long.  I mean literally not figuratively.  It was about a five hour drive because of traffic and construction.  I knew I needed to talk to Him about it.  I knew He could see and feel what was going on inside my heart.  So, I did.  I laid it all on the table.  There were things deep inside me that I had not ever talked to Him about, and so I poured out my heart to Him.

And my friends, I just to have to tell you the Lord is good.  He always has been and He always will be.  There I was, a complete mental and spiritual wreck and He came in to meet me there.  He can handle fears and doubts.  There is no so such thing as being too far gone while there is still breath in your lungs.  Let me say this again: THE LORD CAN MEET YOU WHERE YOU ARE.  HE CAN HANDLE IT.  So go to Him in prayer, dear friends.  He is beckoning to you.

As far as the whole trust issue, I still have a long way to go.  But now that the conference is behind me, I can definately see that the things the Lord did and is still doing in me are all good things.  He is refining me, and I am so thankful. 

There is so much more I could say...

My family group this year was amazing.

I may have a different career path ahead of me than I originally thought.

Slavery still exists, and there are things you can do to help end it (enditmovement.com).

The Lord is faithful even when we are faithless.

More on these things later.  Until then, I leave you this truth:

"Trust in Him at all times, o people; pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge."  

-Psalm 62:8

He appeared and the soul felt its worth

 

O Come, O Come Emmanuel

O come, O come, Emmanuel,
And ransom captive Israel,
That mourns in lonely exile here
Until the Son of God appear.

Rejoice! Rejoice!
Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

O come, Thou Wisdom from on high,
Who orderest all things mightily;
To us the path of knowledge show,
And teach us in her ways to go.

O come, Thou Rod of Jesse, free
Thine own from Satan’s tyranny;
From depths of hell Thy people save,
And give them victory over the grave.

O come, Thou Day-spring, come and cheer
Our spirits by Thine advent here;
Disperse the gloomy clouds of night,
And death’s dark shadows put to flight.

O come, Thou Key of David, come,
And open wide our heavenly home;
Make safe the way that leads on high,
And close the path to misery.

O come, O come, great Lord of might,
Who to Thy tribes on Sinai’s height
In ancient times once gave the law
In cloud and majesty and awe.

O come, Thou Root of Jesse’s tree,
An ensign of Thy people be;
Before Thee rulers silent fall;
All peoples on Thy mercy call.

O come, Desire of nations, bind
In one the hearts of all mankind;
Bid Thou our sad divisions cease,
And be Thyself our King of Peace.

index cards

 Okay, I just have to share this!  First allow me to give you some context.  I have dealt with more shame and guilt in the past year and half than ever before in my life.  These past few weeks have really been brutal on my heart.  Tonight I came across an old journal entry by accident.  Don't you just love it when that happens!?  I do.  Okay, so I wrote it below for you to read.  Wow, my mind is so blown by God's faithfulness.  I really needed to be reminded of this. May it encourage you as it did me.

 March 15, 2009

I was in a room. It was white. There were file cabinets as far as the eye could see. Stacked to the ceiling. I opened one of the drawers. Inside there were index cards. On the index cards was written all the evil things I had done. On each card was the sin, the time, date and place committed. Every single sin I had ever committed was written on an index card. I had lots of index cards. I began reading them. As I read them a sting of guilt and sorrow went through the veins in my body. I sobbed until I couldn't breathe. I sobbed and sobbed over them, such sorrow overcame my being. This man walked up to me. I was so embarrassed because it was obvious I had been crying. He looked at me, then at the cards I had pulled out and were now spread all over the floor. He began to read each and every one. There is no greater shame a human can endure. I was so disgusted with myself. I'm not sure how but I know he knew they were things I had done. I hid my face with my hands, too ashamed to look him in the face. Then He did the unthinkable. He took a red pen from his coat pocket. He drew an X on the card and signed his name. He did this for each one. Each time he got some kind of injury. Once it was stripes across his back, the blood seeped through his shirt. Then it was marks on his face, like he had been struck many times over. Next it was around the top of his head. Like thorns had punctured his head. Though the pain on himself kept coming, he kept writing his name on my index cards. With each one he said to me "I love you, won't you love me back?" "I love you, love those around you in the same way" "I love you, talk to me" "I love you, spend some time with me today in my word" "I love you, now love me in return" He finished the cards after what seemed like ages. Then he took me in his arms and gave me a power hug if I've ever had one! He wiped my tears and when I looked at him again, I only saw scars. He said "follow me" then he walked away and I followed him. I strayed from Him sometimes and I still made index cards. Oh trust me, I still made them. But he was always there, waiting to welcome me back. Waiting to remind me of his never ending love.

Come Thou Long Expected Jesus

Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel's Strength and Consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear Desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

- Charles Wesley, 1774

a new season

Well, Thanksgiving came and went.

The holiday shoppers extracted every last door buster on that glorious Friday.

ABC Family did a count down to the count down to the 25 Days of Christmas.

And now it's December 2nd.

This is the first holiday season where I feel more sad than joyful.

Last year's Christmas season was emotional, yes.

My beloved cousin got married.

I turned 21.

My best friend came home after being gone 11 months.

But those were all good things.  Emotional, yes; but good.

This Christmas season, a part of my heart is missing.  I buried her this past summer.  It may sound crazy, but I can't wrap my mind around a Christmas Day without her.  I cried a lot over Thanksgiving, because I miss her so much.

This Christmas season, I will choose to be thankful in the moments when I want to wallow in my self pity.  

I am thankful that my parents are alive. 

I'm thankful I did not lose a grandparent this year.  

I am thankful for each of my brothers, 

and the laughter we will share over the holidays.  

I am thankful for Jesus,

and everything He is.

"Be joyful always."

-1 Thessalonians 5:16