index cards

 Okay, I just have to share this!  First allow me to give you some context.  I have dealt with more shame and guilt in the past year and half than ever before in my life.  These past few weeks have really been brutal on my heart.  Tonight I came across an old journal entry by accident.  Don't you just love it when that happens!?  I do.  Okay, so I wrote it below for you to read.  Wow, my mind is so blown by God's faithfulness.  I really needed to be reminded of this. May it encourage you as it did me.

 March 15, 2009

I was in a room. It was white. There were file cabinets as far as the eye could see. Stacked to the ceiling. I opened one of the drawers. Inside there were index cards. On the index cards was written all the evil things I had done. On each card was the sin, the time, date and place committed. Every single sin I had ever committed was written on an index card. I had lots of index cards. I began reading them. As I read them a sting of guilt and sorrow went through the veins in my body. I sobbed until I couldn't breathe. I sobbed and sobbed over them, such sorrow overcame my being. This man walked up to me. I was so embarrassed because it was obvious I had been crying. He looked at me, then at the cards I had pulled out and were now spread all over the floor. He began to read each and every one. There is no greater shame a human can endure. I was so disgusted with myself. I'm not sure how but I know he knew they were things I had done. I hid my face with my hands, too ashamed to look him in the face. Then He did the unthinkable. He took a red pen from his coat pocket. He drew an X on the card and signed his name. He did this for each one. Each time he got some kind of injury. Once it was stripes across his back, the blood seeped through his shirt. Then it was marks on his face, like he had been struck many times over. Next it was around the top of his head. Like thorns had punctured his head. Though the pain on himself kept coming, he kept writing his name on my index cards. With each one he said to me "I love you, won't you love me back?" "I love you, love those around you in the same way" "I love you, talk to me" "I love you, spend some time with me today in my word" "I love you, now love me in return" He finished the cards after what seemed like ages. Then he took me in his arms and gave me a power hug if I've ever had one! He wiped my tears and when I looked at him again, I only saw scars. He said "follow me" then he walked away and I followed him. I strayed from Him sometimes and I still made index cards. Oh trust me, I still made them. But he was always there, waiting to welcome me back. Waiting to remind me of his never ending love.