a mission field

I thought I did what's right

I thought I had the answers
I thought I chose the surest road
But that road brought me here
So I put up a fight
And told You how to help me
Now just when I have given up
The truth is coming clear

You know better than I
You know the way
I've let go the need to know why
For you know better than I

If this has been a test
I cannot see the reason
But maybe knowing
I don't know is part of getting through
I tried to do what's best
But faith has made it easy
To see the best thing I can do
Is to put my trust in You
--"You know better than I" from Joseph and the King of Dreams

I've been listening to that song all day. I'm trying to get it through my head that God knows best.

I have questioned my major since I first came to Berry as a freshman. Shouldn't my future field make me excited? Shouldn't it make me happy? Aren't I supposed to enjoy it? Isn't it supposed to be what I want to do for the rest of my life? Sure, people tell me I'll make a good teacher. My professors all (at least act like they) have confidence in me. And I was recently invited to join the honors society for educators. Yet, I want to look these people in the eye and ask them if they have been taking crazy pills!? Please understand me, I have respect for you teachers out there, but I just don't want to be one of you.

I want to be missionary. I want the hard life of a servant to the poorest poor in the world. I want to love orphaned children. I want to reach the unreachable. I woke up thinking about all of this today. And I realized that there are a lot of "I wants" in my life. I remembered something I had not thought of in a long time, marine biology.

If you knew me in my past life before college, you know how passionate I was about the ocean. It was my love and my desire. I loved everything about it. I have never been someone to sway back and forth about what I like or don't like. I am an extremist, and when I love something I love it to the fullest extent of my being. I loved how marine biology made me feel so close to God. I saw Him in all of it, and it literally made me overflow with joy. I was one of those nerds on my high school trip to Dauphin Island that got excited about the seaweed...yeah, that was me.

But this morning I remembered sitting in my room alone on a hot night in early August before coming to Berry. I had all my marine biology text books out on my bed. And I cried over them. I cried because God was asking me to give my passion to Him. I wanted to only pretend to give it to Him, but He wanted the real thing. He wanted me to really lay it down. I cried because He did not promise to give it back. He did not promise me a future in the ocean. I remember crying out to Him "Why!? Why would you give me this passion if You're just going to take it away!?" He told me my life was not my own. It is His. And He knows what is best for it. So after more arguing and complaining, I gave in. I let it go.

Since that night He has ignited within me a passion for orphans. It is the same scenario as before, but instead of marine animals it is the world's children who are deemed unlovable. But I lost my focus. I was focused on the work instead of the Worker. I got lost in what my life could be if I left Berry, if I didn't become a teacher. If I went to a place like Russia or Uganda and was the hands of Jesus. I want bigger things than teaching in rural America. But how can God give me the bigger things if I refuse to trust Him with the small ones (like my major in college)? He is helping me see that I need to "bloom where I am planted" as a dear friend told me last night. I am where I am, so I might as well be content. He still knows what is best. He still knows what He is doing, even though I may not like it.

God showed me at work this week that those babies are my mission right now. Those kids at a privileged, private, child development center on a well-respected college campus need to be loved. They need hands to hold at nap time. They need a chaser to chase them. They need a swing-pusher. They need someone to take out their garbage after lunch and to wash their dishes. They need love, just like the kids on the other side of the globe. They are my mission field.

If you have read this far, I wonder if you are in the same place. If you feel your work is in vain? If you feel you are a failure because of where you are? Do not think God so small that He can't use you where you are. You are where He has you, and that is your mission field.

Like marine biology, I must lay down Africa at the feet of Jesus. I have to let it go. I have to live where I am. I don't want to live in the past or the future. I want to live for today. I may never go to Africa and I may someday take a teaching job, but that's okay. Because it is about God and His work, not me and what I want from life. After all, I have given Him my life; who am I to think I can choose its direction? It is His to steer. His to determine where it should go and who it should affect.

Praise Him, that we should be a tool in the hand of the Almighty One.


"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him" -1 Corinthians 2:9

Godly Sorrow

"...For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done..."

-2 Corinthians 7:9-11

family

Today for many reasons I have felt thankful for my family. I am reminded that life is short. Too short to stay angry over silly things. Too short to not laugh and risk love. Too short not to die each day for my Savior. Too short to have regrets. Too short to not say "i love you." I am blessed with an incredible family. I see Jesus inside them and it puts me in awe.

My father is probably the most self-sacrificial person I know. He puts my family before himself nearly every day. He is not perfect, but he is loving. He is not mean or malicious. And I feel safe when he is home. He would take a bullet for me, or my brothers, or my mother any day. He loves my mother. I can see it in his eyes when he looks at her. And that, is the greatest gift he could ever give me.

My mommy is my very best friend. I can and do tell her everything (even the things I try to keep secret)! She calls me every morning to make sure I make it to class on time (even though that is usually at 5 am for her because of the time difference). She always texts me before I go to sleep. And her prayers are never ceasing. She is a hard-core pray-er. She constantly points me to the Lord. She is my biggest fan. I love laughing with her. I love how we talk until the wee hours of the morning when I am home. I love that she loves me.

Aaron is my big brother. If anyone today has a faith like Abraham it is him. His faith in God puts mine to shame. He is constantly questioning and looking for answers and he always goes back to God. He has endured a lot of slander and persecutions for his faith, but I praise God that He will bless him for it. His heart is for the lost and the outcasts, just like Jesus' heart.

Noah is my much-taller-but-still-younger-than-me-brother. Noah can play any instrument known to ma (he can also play some that are not known). His determination to do the right thing astounds me. I know God has big things in store for him; He must have with everything He is teaching him. Despite wound after wound, he keeps going back to church and to God. He is becoming a mighty man for the Lord like my father and older brother. I am so proud of him. He is letting the Lord shape him and mold him. He is remarkable.


Then there is Isaiah. The youngest of my clan. With every day that passes I love him more and more. He is very advanced in his math skills and is a real penny pincher. He is super competitive and loves to win at everything! But, when it comes to God he wants it all to go to Him. He truly has the heart of a giver unlike any other. He gives, not only of himself, but also from his piggy bank of his $35 life savings to those who need it. He is only 7, but already he is so self-sacrificing for those he loves and those he doesn't even know. His heart of compassion stirs me.

All three of my brothers make me laugh non-stop. They are absolutely hilarious when we are home together and I love it. I am truly blessed beyond all measure.

I praise God for each of you and thank Him for putting you in my life. I love you, sweet family.



This is Abby. She is also a huge part of my family. She is older now, but she has been through a lot with my family. I know it may seem silly to those of you without a dog, but she really is an important member of my family. She raised me, Aaron, and Noah. She is in the process of raising Isaiah. I adore her.

little lambs with the faces of lions

not for the faint of heart

"The Bible is not a book for the faint of heart--it is a book full of all the greed and glory and violence and tenderness and sex and betrayal that befits mankind. It is not the collection of pretty little anecdotes mouthed by pious little church mice--it does not so much nibble at our shoe leather as it cuts to the heart and splits the marrow from the bone. It does not give us answers fitted to our small-minded questions, but truth that goes beyond what we even know to ask." -Rich Mullins

an ocean of grace

I've been sitting here pondering how to put into words where my heart is today. I want to share it with you, but I'm afraid it might take me all day. So instead, I'm going to point you towards a song and lesson that capture God's grace.

This is the song. This is the lesson.

The song is short and a familiar radio tune for most folks, but it still chokes me up. Even after the 100th time. I think it's because of its message of forgiveness but also (if not more) it reminds me I'm not alone in my fear of being left the way I am. Oh glory to His name that nothing has tempted us except what is common to man (1 Cor. 10:13).

The lesson literally took my breath away. An ocean of grace is what Louie talks about in it. It is a bit longer, but stick it out because its worth it.

blessings friends.
em

Death & Beauty

I am a sucker for all things fall-ish. Pumpkins. Hot Cider. Cooler weather. Candles. Bright red apples. Sensual amber lotion from bath & body works. Golden sunflowers. Red, orange, yellow, and golden leaves. Thanksgiving. Sweaters. Hats. Scarves. I find myself constantly analyzing every inch of Berry’s trees to see the beginnings of the bright colors that are yet to come.

God seems to have me on this theme verse right now: “If anyone would come after Me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for Me will save it.” –Jesus (Luke 9:23).

I forgot to mention when I was basking in my love for all things fall, that deep down inside me there is a part of me that hates it. That’s right, hate. Before you go all crazy on me, let me explain myself. Fall reminds me of old pain. It reminds me of the scars on my soul. I don’t pretend to know why. There is just something in the air this time of year that always causes me to reflect more deeply for good or ill. And last night at church it got me thinking…how can I love and hate something at the same time? I joke about my love/hate relationship with school, exercise, junk food, health food, etc. But seriously, how can you love and hate something? Jesus says that if we want to live we have to die. I want to live, and I love the life He offers. But there is no denying that I hate dying; dying to self, to flesh, to my own will.

Then, I looked at the trees again. I thought about the process that they are going through at this time of year. They are not at their high of life when they change colors, they are dying. They are shedding their beautiful lush green foliage to be naked and bare for the cold winter months down the road. It is in their death that they become astounding. It is in their death that they stop you in your tracks and cause you to gaze at their beauty. It is in their death that they become truly marvelous.

And, I think that is a lot like us. It is when we die that we begin to truly reflect the beauty and majesty of our Creator. It’s when we lay our lives down daily that God uses us to cause people to stop in their tracks.

I don’t know about you, but to me, dying daily does not sound like any picnic (well, unless there is ants, and mosquitoes, and its 100 degrees and humid, then maybe it’s like a picnic. But you see my point). Dying daily is not fun. It is hard. And there are times when I hate it, but I also hate that I hate it. A guy named St. Augustine once said “A Christian has two loves in their heart, the love for what is good and the love for what is evil. The Christian hates that he loves what is evil.” I think that Augustine guy had a good point. We are always going to be at war. Not just against the Enemy, but also against ourselves. There is a constant battle going on inside of us, the flesh and the Spirit. Romans 7:21-23 says, “So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members.”

So you see it is truly a love/hate relationship we have with ourselves if we are in Christ. Our flesh hates being put to death, but we cannot afford to not do it. For in the death of the flesh, the beauty of God shines brightly, just like that crisp orange leaf outside your window.