I attended a New Year's conference in Atlanta, GA this past January. Even though it is the middle of March, I am still trying to process everything I experienced and learned. But, I want to share my thought-process with you. I hope it encourages you. If you have any insight from all this, I would love to hear about it. While everything God did at the conference was huge and significant, the biggest thing to me personally was simply this: freedom.
I grew up in a church environment that taught: do good and God will love you, do bad and God will not love you (just to be clear allow me to say, that is an incorrect philosophy). But that is what I was taught, purposefully or not. When you live with a philosophy constantly thrown at you, it is really hard not to believe it. You just begin thinking it is true, or at least I did.
This past summer I picked up a sinful habit which quickly turned into an addiction. The grief that followed was intense. I couldn't stand myself. I hated myself. But I kept giving in to temptation. The enemy hammered me with lies such as "God's grace isn't enough for you. What makes you think He wants to save you? How could you betray Him like that!?" Among other things. I gave the enemy a foothold over my life, and it nearly killed me. God wouldn't let me go that easy though. He perused me in ways that I can see only now that those moments are in the past.
Anyway, back to Passion. I really didn't want to go. To be completely honest with you, I was afraid. I was afraid that God would not be there for me. I doubted Him. I remember the night before I was to leave and I was talking to my mom about it. I remember asking her if she thought it was bad that I just needed God to breathe life back into me. I was too ashamed to ask Him. I felt dead. I felt my faith had been shattered, and my belief in Jesus' saving power was pretty much nonexistent.
Then I got there. We went in. They did this thing where they read scripture with music and words on the screen, but I wasn't into it. I just felt numb all over. Then we worshiped with Chris Tomlin leading, and again I wasn't into it. I felt like there was this Grand-Canyon pit between me and God. I was beginning to regret my decision to come. Then this guy named Louie Giglio came out on the stage. Some of the first words out of his mouth were something like "Is there anybody here who feels like there's something in you you need to be brought back to life again?" My jaw dropped. I couldn't believe he said the exact thing I had been wrestling with since last summer. From that moment on, I knew God was going to do something huge in my life while I was at the Dome.
And He did not disappoint. He brought be back from the dead. He breathed life back into my very soul. That is why the things I experience at Passion is so much more than a spiritual high. Because it was not Passion. It was not the speakers. It was not the worship. While all that stuff was amazing and certainly a part of it, the biggest thing was that I had been reunited with my Jesus! He tore through my heart that week. I won't lie to you, a lot if it was very painful. It wasn't "fun" but it was good.
The month of January was good for me this year. God protected me from the world and the enemy as He continued to heal me with His healing balm. In February, the old feelings tried to creep back in. And things happened in my life that were hard.
Now, here in March, my faith is being rocked. My faith is being tested. I am struggling to keep believing Him and His words. And I do not use the word 'struggle' lightly. I've messed up again, and just like before it has grieved me. But I have to keep believing Him. We have to keep trusting Him. We have to keep our eyes fixed on Jesus.
His word to you is this:
"Behold child, you have been made clean."
Trust in His saving power. He is mighty to save. His blood has not run dry. His love has not run out. He is there. Waiting patiently for you to come. He loves you.
This song has encouraged me so much through my struggle to believe Him. May it encourage you.
"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation" -Colossians 1:21-22
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