Just be still, child.

Since being back home, God has revealed to me that I have bitterness in my heart; that has grown from a seed of un-forgiveness. Hurtful words from those you love most will do that to you if you don't let God heal you. Recently, a simple incident (a misunderstanding really) involving those I was bitter towards caused me to nearly go off the deep end. I had bottled up these hurts and did not let anyone in, not even God.

I couldn't understand why God would let someone I love so much, hurt me in such a deep and personal way. What had I done to deserve it? Why would He allow me to feel such sorrow if for no reason? I wanted God to be like me, not me to be like Him. I wanted Him to take revenge on the one who hurt me and hurt them back. Because that is what I wanted to do. But God is not like me (which is REALLY good, trust me :) ) and the Holy Spirit reminded me constantly of the story Jesus tells Peter about the servant who was forgiven a lot and didn't forgive the little someone owed him in Matthew 18:21-35. So I really tried. I really wanted to just hurry up and get over it because it was weighing so heavily on me (and I'll also note it wasn't hurting them at all. Not that we should want it to, but just to point out: un-forgiveness only hurts the one who can't forgive). I thought I was over it. I thought I was ready to face this person once more, and then boom it was on me again after that misunderstanding.

I was so angry. At myself, at the person who hurt me, at God, just at the world in general.

If you know me at all, you know I love to paint. But painting is not just a hobby I picked up in 9th grade. It is an outlet for me. So on that night when everything came up at once, like a tornado with no warning, I couldn't decide whether to scream or bust into tears. I decided to paint. So I pulled out my stuff, and I painted the whole canvas black. Black like I believed the inside of my heart was. Now, normally when I do a painting I can see it in my head before it is on the canvas. But that night I didn't know what I was doing. I just painted. The pain was overwhelming, and while I painted I prayed. Although I only say "prayed" because I was talking to God, but really this was more of an in-your-face-screaming-temper-tantrum that I was having with God. Yes I admit, this was not a good reaction and I had to repent later. But, after my little (or big I guess you might say) tantrum I had finished painting the canvas black and there was silence. "Don't you have anything to say?!" was what I yelled at Him after I was done. More silence. Then, in the faintest whisper, came the words "just be still, and know that I am God." He then reminded me of times I had hurt Him in the exact same way this person hurt me. Convicted, ashamed of my behavior, and still mad at myself for not forgiving this person, I did what He said. I sat still and remembered that He is God. That He is the Holy of Holies. He loves me. He loves the one who hurt me. and He knows my hurt. He knows it on the deepest level; even deeper than I do. I fell asleep doing this. Then, in the morning I knew how I was going to finish my picture.

The tree is to remind me I can't cut myself off from those around me in fear of being hurt again. We as Christians are commanded to love God and to love others. To love others, you have to be willing to let them into your heart. You have to be rooted in Christ, and in turn root your life in other people. A tree with no roots is as good as dead.